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Solution to the shidduch crisis to get married at 18?
If you’re not joking, then I’ll tell you what the problem is. I’m sure that are tons of threads about this, but I’ll say it here anyways. Boys usually aren’t ready at 18. Marriage involves alot of responsibility. Most buys aren’t ready to take on that responsibility at that age. Not even chassidim get married at that age. Chassidim are usually 20 when they look to get married. That’s that culture. But in the litvishe world, most boys aren’t ready at that age. Even if you want to train boys to be ready at that age, however both mentally and physically they won’t be ready yet. They also would have to worry about parnasa even if your parents are supporting and at a young age like that most boys aren’t capable of that. In my opinion the way to solve the shidduch crisis is to continue marrying closer to your age. Marrying younger won’t work to solve the crisis right now anyways.
The shidduch crisis is the normal result of people (not just boys) responding to worsened economic conditions by delaying marriage in order to have parnassah to support a family. It is happening worldwide, among all people and cultures. A rational response to loss of income is to delay marriage. Ways to reduce the crisis:
1) Encourage children to be happy living with less, and to have lower expectations, so they won’t object to idea of having a one-room starter apartment, and move up to a single bedroom when the baby gets too big to share a room with the parents.
2. Encourage women to follow news of finance and economics better, and to focus on the bad news. Then they’ll worry that their husbands can’t support them, and will also want to put off marriage.
Most guys, ready or not, don’t want to get married at 18.
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Boys usually aren’t ready at 18. Marriage involves alot of responsibility. Most buys aren’t ready to take on that responsibility at that age.
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true. but a) should it be true? be) why is it true?
sounds like a good topic for a thread.
I think I will start it but stay out of it.
nitpicker you can’t do that. You started it, stay in it!
a)Boys want to stay in learning longer before putting on the yolk of marriage, and with marriage comes parnasa. b) mentally and physically boys aren’t ready at 18. There are skills you need to learn before marriage. For girls they mature faster. But however most boys mature at a slower rate.
The reason litvish boys aren’t ready to get married before 22-23 is primarily because they aren’t expected to. Chassidic boys are ready at twenty because they are expected to be ready when they are 20. If it became the norm for litvish boys to start dating at twenty, they would be ready at twenty to start dating.
raichayim brosho vyasok btorah?
The truth of the matter is that it’s not based on age. It depends on when you mature. For some people it’s 18-19 (most boys not) 21,22,23,24 etc. Even if you’re expected to, it won’t change anything. It all depends on how mature you are. I know several people who got married young. One got divorced a year later. Another one I know who got married young is still married bli ayin hara. How do you expect to get guys to mature faster? They can’t go to EY any earlier. (That’s a whole discussion in itself.) Everyone has their own maturity level. I don’t think it really depends on age.
Please, give me a break. I was ready to get married when I was 15.
In fact, I know a guy who was married 3 times by the time he was 22.
b) mentally and physically boys aren’t ready at 18.
Physically not ready? What’s the major physical difference between an 18 year old and a 23 year old? Emotionally and economically you’d be right.
Gamanit, you are right I stand corrected. The word I was looking for is emotionally.
to comment such as “b) mentally and physically boys aren’t ready at 18.
Physically not ready? What’s the major physical difference between an 18 year old and a 23 year old? Emotionally and economically you’d be right.”
I would aruge that people are “”ready” to get married (and become parents) until they are in late middle age, whether from an emotional, economic or mental state — but since that would lead to extinction HaShem biologically programmed people to feel an urgent need to get married when they are young enough to have children. Since HaShem designed people to get married before they are emotionally, economicly or mentally ready, this is obvious a “feature” and it isn’t for us to speculate on “why.”
Yeshivaguy, before I begin, let me make myself clear- I’m not an expert at grammar; I don’t have an advanced degree in English; I’ve been guilty of poor spelling and numerous typos.
I once deeply hurt a female poster by getting a great laugh at a ridiculous typo she committed. And making the mistake of telling her, here on the CR. But you’re probably, as your name suggests, a guy, and I’m hoping you won’t get all offended.
I just had to tell you- your “yolk of marriage” was fantastic! I had to share the laughter! And it gave me a chance to ruminate, while finishing my Shabbos cooking, on how marriage is a lot like a runny, messy, gloopy, yellow egg yolk, which is an important ingredient in so many delicious dishes, but can create a spectacular mess if mishandled.
(In case haifagirl is lurking in the background somewhere- yes, I am also guilty, on occasion, of run-on sentences.)
Living in NYC area is very expensive, Apartment are minimum $1200 a month. Food isnt cheap and there arent many other Frum areas to live
18 year olds are hard pressed to get a job that will pay enough to support a wife (not even kids).
Box schlepping doesnt pay alot and people will get bored of it
Jb22, tzavaro, no?
golfer, No I’m not offended in the slightest. Isn’t that the word? Maybe it’s yoke
DaasYochid you are right
I don’t think MOST people are ready to get married at 18. Some may come for a cultural environment where it is accepted readily, but for many of us, our kids were not emotionally mature enough to make the right decision for the right reasons in getting married. We change a great deal from our teens to our early 20s, and what may have seemed like a good idea at 18, might be a “what was I thinking???” moment at 21. It shouldn’t be a magic number that determines marriageability. Each shidduch should be determined on a case by case basis IMO. Some people are ready at a younger age (though I doubt many boys are) and some need to wait a little longer.
some guys are ready at 20, and some shouldnt be allowed to date till 30, but both will start at 22-23. earlier isnt better.
ZD, maybe you were responding to something that has disappeared, but I don’t see how your comment about the cost of living in the New York area is at all relevant to the topic. Suppose an 18-year-old boy has a trust fund that will support him and his family for life. Is he ready to get married?
Yehudayona-ZD’s statements are very relevant as most 18 year old boys don’t not have hundreds of thousands of dollars in a fund to replace a paying career. The reality in the world today is that we live in societies where being employed right out of high school (typically at age 18) without a higher education (which takes at least until age 20 to complete-at best, age 22 is more likely- and that’s without any full time Torah learning) does not typically pay enough to establish a family. You can’t ignore that reality. Girls looking for guys who are working do not usually define “working” as an unstable job paying minimum wage, but are rather searching for a guy with an education and a career path. Likewise, girls who want learning guys wouldn’t want guys who just finished yeshiva high school and have yet to spend a couple of years doing full time learning.
How many 18 year old frum boys have trust funds that will last a lifetime, espcially if they come from large families themselves.
You might know a few and they do exist, but they are far from the majority
So, Curiosity and ZD, it seems you both think that if not for the issue of parnassa, 18-year-old boys are ready for marriage.
At 18, I wasn’t ready, and at 23, I’m not ready. Parnassah is important, but so is the ability to properly care for another person, children, etc.
YehudaYona – I don’t. I just think that even if you find an abnormally mature and life experienced 18 year old guy who actually knows what is important in a marriage, he would be financially incapable of building a family, and any attempt at beginning a marriage at 18 would severely restrict his ability to gain a proper secular and/or Torah education.
On the whole basis for this thread; if the girls have the shidduch crisis why don’t all girls wait to 22-3 to get married, and there will not be younger options for boys. Why is it the boys responsibility to make the change more than the girls?
I think there are more 18 years olds with the financial capabilities (whether their own or familial)to get married than the emotional and practical capabilities for marriage.
18 is not ready for marriage mature wise, I certainly was not ready, however Its unlikely that many are willing to accept that premise.
However the finance issue is more of a clear cut black and white issue rather than emotional
I got married early, about 5:30 if I had to hazard a guess
Same as ain posting blayla (byom gam ken)
“ain posting blayla”= prat. “byom gam ken”)= klall, “ain bklall elah mah shebeprat” just as at night you cant post because you are sleeping, so to one cannot post by day IF he is sleeping
Boys should not get married. Some men are ready at 18.
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