January 6, 2010 at 3:32 pm #591054
I was very unhappy when s/o came over to me today and told me I have to overlook with shidduchim unless i will never marry my older singles… that person doesn’t know how it feels and should never know how it feels.. because he marries off his children very young…
the lesson is.. be sensetive to pple. u don’t know what they go through!!!!!!!!
And don’t speak unless your in that persons shoes!
January 6, 2010 at 5:31 pm #685088
I feel for you. But could you clarify what you mean?
January 6, 2010 at 5:54 pm #685089
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
January 6, 2010 at 6:48 pm #685090
thats a good one!
January 6, 2010 at 7:58 pm #685091
I heard something similar, dont judge another until you are in his place, and bec u will never really be in that person place cuz every situation has its own circumstances, dont judge!
January 6, 2010 at 8:04 pm #685092
whereas mine was a joke…
January 6, 2010 at 8:06 pm #685093
January 6, 2010 at 8:53 pm #685094
Wear someone elses shoes? Eeeewww.
January 6, 2010 at 11:56 pm #685096
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. “
What a Pashuteh Yid says is very true. It is easy to criticize ANYONE, older singles, overweight people, parents whose kids are OTD, but unless we really know what it feels like to suffer in that way, we should not be insensitive to people’s nisyonos and speak to them in a way that ADDS to their pain. That’s a horrendous aveira.
January 7, 2010 at 1:34 am #685097
What chops said is true, maybe this persons children got married young because they chose to overlook certain details in the shidduch.
But you’re right a person should NEVER judge anyone. We don’t ever know what a person is really going through.
January 7, 2010 at 4:19 am #685098
i dont judge! theres a spanish saying cada quien! everyone is difrent.
January 7, 2010 at 8:56 pm #685099
We have a saying in english. Mind your own business.
January 8, 2010 at 2:06 am #685100
Pashute, my apologies. It too me another reading to get what you’re saying.
There’s thinking outside the box, broadening your horizons, etc. but if you know your kids, what they’ll need to build a happy bayis neeman, then I’m sure you’re doing everything you can. May you dance at your kids’ chasunas b’shaa tova (and it should be obvious it couldn’t have been any sooner) and see many doros yesherim.
January 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm #685101
APY- i really empathize with u since I get the same thing…
and I am a shadchan as well..
THE GOODS ARE NOT RETURNABLE-SO U DO HAVE TO CHOOSE WISELY!
if u dont think it’s ‘zigepast’ u have all the right
but being on the shadchans side I do find ppl assume the proposed shidduch is not apropriate, too quickly…
when s/o mentions a shidduch to me I tell them i will look into (even if I see it’s not appropriate) and get back to them..
January 10, 2010 at 10:00 pm #685102
This is so apropos to so many situations not just shiduchim as the saying goes “unsolicited advice is worth what you pay for it”. People have to learn to use the geder Hashem gave us our teeth and lips to stop unsolicited advice from slipping out of our mouths. If we are not asked for this kind of assistance or not asked for our opinion we really need to learn to keep it to ourselves.
In the shidduch parsha we don’t know how many rejections the family received when we assume that the family is being picky. We don’t know how many inappropriate shidduchim have been redt, we don’t know if the phone is ringing or if the child just broke up with someone, we don’t know. So unless this is our best friend or close family member where we are in the know or part of the process what right does any Yenta have to assume they should offer their advice?
In other instances we are also too quick to assume and judge instead of just giving the benefit of the doubt (dan l’kaf zchus) or just simply realize it is not our business and choose not to have an opinion on the subject because we are not involved and we don’t know ALL the details, no matter how many details the media brings forth, the yenta’s bring forth, the internet brings forth and so on. Unless we are there and saw everything with our own two eyes, heard everything with our own two ears we should not have an opinion. We really bury people’s reputations, destroy families and their success for the future with the loshon horah we spread with our high opinions of ourselves, our own knowledge and our own expert opinions. What we should work on more is to spread encouragement, build self-esteem and self-confidence in others. So try to remember what your parents taught you when you were little. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.
January 11, 2010 at 4:57 am #685103
FTR, I have always encouraged my children to accept virtually all reasonable sounding shidduchim, and even go a second time, unless the person is truly obnoxious. This has resulted in many dates that were really appalling, with guys who were arrogant, unapologetic when an hour late or more (and did not let them know they were running late), or took phone calls throughout the date, didn’t get them even a soda, etc. When someone tells me her child cannot meet normal guys, I know exactly what she means. And if I say the same, then I would hope my friends are not judging my girls as being too picky.
January 11, 2010 at 9:42 am #685104
With shidduchim you have to be sort of “picky”. Like mom12 says, once this “suggestion” becomes a spouse, they are not disposable, returnable, exchangeable etc.
I know someone that used to say “when it comes to shidduchim I am picky.” Yes, every shidduch had to have a family match, similar backgrounds, thorough research about the boy/girl middos etc etc etc etc…
B”H all of her children are married.
January 12, 2010 at 2:51 am #685105
woah, we changed the topic from “don’t judge unless you walk in another’s shoes” to whether or not a person should be picky in shiduchim. That wasn’t the issue, the issue was the assumption that one person had going over to the other with her comment that she shouldn’t be picky in shidduchim. That was quite an assumption and quite a chutzpa to “stick her nose in” where she was not asked to, in my humble opinion.
January 13, 2010 at 7:58 am #685106
I got an email today that in a way fits for this thread, here goes:
him. He was an honest man who always behaved appropriately. He never
cheated, lied or stole anything. He never drank alcoholic beverages
why he was invited to court but the baker knew.
The baker used to buy butter and cheese from the milkman for his
baking. One day he suspected that the lumps of butter that the milkman
each was exactly one kilo. The baker decided to check out the matter
and for a period he consistently weighed every lump of butter that he
bought from the milkman. He discovered that they were in fact less
than a kilo. Sometimes they were 900grms, sometimes they were 950grms
and once one was even 850grms.
inviting him to court. The milkman arrived at the court shaking with
fear. He had never been to a court house and had never spoken to the
Judge. The Judge evoked a sense of fear amongst the villagers.
kind that needs a weight on one side to balance the butter on the
morning when I come to weigh the butter for the baker I place a kilo
loaf of bread on one side of the scale and this way I know that the
butter that I will give to the baker will be exactly one kilo.
you give the baker is exactly the weight of the loaf of bread he
that our own house is in order.
May 24, 2010 at 4:26 pm #685108
This thread is really great!
A great lesson is to investigate things and not just jump into something simply because Ehrliche Joe told you so. Before you judge someone’s actions find out the other side of the equation.
May 24, 2010 at 6:41 pm #685109
Great thread. I’m gonna try to do this as best I can, omitting/changing some details.
Someone once called my house (worked for a company) and left a very very nasty message asking why something hadnt been taken care of (information that they needed) and that it was really a chutzpah that it hadnt been etc. I remember on that specific day being very very upset just that and her message only made it so much harder. She was totally right in saying that it needed to be taken care of, and totally wrong in giving her opinion on it. True, she had a point, that it should have been taken care of earlier but no one asked for her opinion. I dont know the womans name but I remember the place and when I think of it, this comes to mind. (I know, I know, its wrong but its a fact of life)
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