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Don't Judge Someone Unless You're in His/Her Shoes!

(21 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by APushetaYid
  • Latest reply from kapusta

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  1. APushetaYid
    Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I was very unhappy when s/o came over to me today and told me I have to overlook with shidduchim unless i will never marry my older singles... that person doesn't know how it feels and should never know how it feels.. because he marries off his children very young...

    oy hashem..
    the lesson is.. be sensetive to pple. u don't know what they go through!!!!!!!!
    And don't speak unless your in that persons shoes!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  2. tzippi
    Member

    I feel for you. But could you clarify what you mean?

    Posted 4 years ago #
  3. bombmaniac
    teh=the

    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  4. shtarkbocher
    Member

    thats a good one!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  5. Phyllis
    Member

    I heard something similar, dont judge another until you are in his place, and bec u will never really be in that person place cuz every situation has its own circumstances, dont judge!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  6. bombmaniac
    teh=the

    whereas mine was a joke...

    Posted 4 years ago #
  7. Chops
    Member

    APY, Maybe the person who told you this was really worried about your situation and thought he was helping by giving his opinion on the matter. Maybe, he was hinting that this is what he did with his children and thats why they are married young. Obviously, he´s not going to say it outright(poor sons inlaws!). Don´t take so to heart this person´s comment if it has nothing to do with your situation, people sometimes say the dumbest things. As a matter of fact take it as flattery that he cared enough about you to comment. Good luck in marrying your kids. May Hashem send you lots of simchos really soon!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  8. jphone
    Member

    Wear someone elses shoes? Eeeewww.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  9. oomis
    Best Bubby EVER

    "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. "

    GREAT LINE!!!!!!!

    What a Pashuteh Yid says is very true. It is easy to criticize ANYONE, older singles, overweight people, parents whose kids are OTD, but unless we really know what it feels like to suffer in that way, we should not be insensitive to people's nisyonos and speak to them in a way that ADDS to their pain. That's a horrendous aveira.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  10. mybat
    Member

    What chops said is true, maybe this persons children got married young because they chose to overlook certain details in the shidduch.
    But you're right a person should NEVER judge anyone. We don't ever know what a person is really going through.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  11. tamazaball
    Member

    i dont judge! theres a spanish saying cada quien! everyone is difrent.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  12. jphone
    Member

    We have a saying in english. Mind your own business.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  13. tzippi
    Member

    Pashute, my apologies. It too me another reading to get what you're saying.
    There's thinking outside the box, broadening your horizons, etc. but if you know your kids, what they'll need to build a happy bayis neeman, then I'm sure you're doing everything you can. May you dance at your kids' chasunas b'shaa tova (and it should be obvious it couldn't have been any sooner) and see many doros yesherim.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  14. mom12
    Member

    APY- i really empathize with u since I get the same thing...
    and I am a shadchan as well..
    THE GOODS ARE NOT RETURNABLE-SO U DO HAVE TO CHOOSE WISELY!
    if u dont think it's 'zigepast' u have all the right

    but being on the shadchans side I do find ppl assume the proposed shidduch is not apropriate, too quickly...

    when s/o mentions a shidduch to me I tell them i will look into (even if I see it's not appropriate) and get back to them..

    Posted 4 years ago #
  15. aries2756
    Smartness runs in my family.

    This is so apropos to so many situations not just shiduchim as the saying goes "unsolicited advice is worth what you pay for it". People have to learn to use the geder Hashem gave us our teeth and lips to stop unsolicited advice from slipping out of our mouths. If we are not asked for this kind of assistance or not asked for our opinion we really need to learn to keep it to ourselves.

    In the shidduch parsha we don't know how many rejections the family received when we assume that the family is being picky. We don't know how many inappropriate shidduchim have been redt, we don't know if the phone is ringing or if the child just broke up with someone, we don't know. So unless this is our best friend or close family member where we are in the know or part of the process what right does any Yenta have to assume they should offer their advice?

    In other instances we are also too quick to assume and judge instead of just giving the benefit of the doubt (dan l'kaf zchus) or just simply realize it is not our business and choose not to have an opinion on the subject because we are not involved and we don't know ALL the details, no matter how many details the media brings forth, the yenta's bring forth, the internet brings forth and so on. Unless we are there and saw everything with our own two eyes, heard everything with our own two ears we should not have an opinion. We really bury people's reputations, destroy families and their success for the future with the loshon horah we spread with our high opinions of ourselves, our own knowledge and our own expert opinions. What we should work on more is to spread encouragement, build self-esteem and self-confidence in others. So try to remember what your parents taught you when you were little. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  16. oomis
    Best Bubby EVER

    FTR, I have always encouraged my children to accept virtually all reasonable sounding shidduchim, and even go a second time, unless the person is truly obnoxious. This has resulted in many dates that were really appalling, with guys who were arrogant, unapologetic when an hour late or more (and did not let them know they were running late), or took phone calls throughout the date, didn't get them even a soda, etc. When someone tells me her child cannot meet normal guys, I know exactly what she means. And if I say the same, then I would hope my friends are not judging my girls as being too picky.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  17. Poster
    Member

    With shidduchim you have to be sort of "picky". Like mom12 says, once this "suggestion" becomes a spouse, they are not disposable, returnable, exchangeable etc.

    I know someone that used to say "when it comes to shidduchim I am picky." Yes, every shidduch had to have a family match, similar backgrounds, thorough research about the boy/girl middos etc etc etc etc...
    B"H all of her children are married.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  18. aries2756
    Smartness runs in my family.

    woah, we changed the topic from "don't judge unless you walk in another's shoes" to whether or not a person should be picky in shiduchim. That wasn't the issue, the issue was the assumption that one person had going over to the other with her comment that she shouldn't be picky in shidduchim. That was quite an assumption and quite a chutzpa to "stick her nose in" where she was not asked to, in my humble opinion.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  19. myshadow
    Member

    I got an email today that in a way fits for this thread, here goes:

    "You are invited to court next Tuesday”

    The brief message that was hanging on the milkman’s door bewildered
    him. He was an honest man who always behaved appropriately. He never
    cheated, lied or stole anything. He never drank alcoholic beverages
    early in the day – a custom outlawed in the village. He had no idea
    why he was invited to court but the baker knew.

    The baker used to buy butter and cheese from the milkman for his
    baking. One day he suspected that the lumps of butter that the milkman
    sold him were under a kilo – even though the milkman insisted that
    each was exactly one kilo. The baker decided to check out the matter
    and for a period he consistently weighed every lump of butter that he
    bought from the milkman. He discovered that they were in fact less
    than a kilo. Sometimes they were 900grms, sometimes they were 950grms
    and once one was even 850grms.

    The baker was angry “Cheating me,” he told his wife angrily, “I am not
    going to be quiet about it”. He went to the local court and complained
    about the milkman. “We have to prosecute him” said the baker. “We
    can’t let him cheat all the villagers, people trust him!”

    That same day the court messenger hung a notice on the milkman’s house
    inviting him to court. The milkman arrived at the court shaking with
    fear. He had never been to a court house and had never spoken to the
    Judge. The Judge evoked a sense of fear amongst the villagers.

    “I assume you have a very accurate scale in your dairy.” said the Judge

    “No your honour, I do not have a scale “said the milkman

    “So how do you weigh the butter? Do you just guess that it is one
    kilo?” said the Judge

    “No G-d forbid, your honour – I am an honest man; it never occurred to
    me to do something like that. Very simply I built myself a scale – the
    kind that needs a weight on one side to balance the butter on the
    other”. The Judge nodded his head, and the milkman continued. “Every
    morning when I come to weigh the butter for the baker I place a kilo
    loaf of bread on one side of the scale and this way I know that the
    butter that I will give to the baker will be exactly one kilo.

    So the Judge said…you are telling us that the amount of butter that
    you give the baker is exactly the weight of the loaf of bread he
    supplies to you?”

    “That is it exactly it!” said the milkman and the baker’s face fell.

    This is as it is in life…. we receive exactly as much as we give….and
    one more thing. …before we set out to judge others; let’s first check
    that our own house is in order.

    Don’t we have sometimes the same failings that we accuse others of?

    Let us remember the saying of chazal: – “Judge yourself first before
    judging others;” ………..

    Posted 4 years ago #
  20. artchill
    Member

    This thread is really great!

    A great lesson is to investigate things and not just jump into something simply because Ehrliche Joe told you so. Before you judge someone's actions find out the other side of the equation.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  21. kapusta
    CR Queen - “Best of luck. Avoid roasted cabbage, don’t eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life!”

    Great thread. I'm gonna try to do this as best I can, omitting/changing some details.

    Someone once called my house (worked for a company) and left a very very nasty message asking why something hadnt been taken care of (information that they needed) and that it was really a chutzpah that it hadnt been etc. I remember on that specific day being very very upset just that and her message only made it so much harder. She was totally right in saying that it needed to be taken care of, and totally wrong in giving her opinion on it. True, she had a point, that it should have been taken care of earlier but no one asked for her opinion. I dont know the womans name but I remember the place and when I think of it, this comes to mind. (I know, I know, its wrong but its a fact of life)

    *kapusta*

    Posted 4 years ago #

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