September 1, 2011 1:29 pm at 1:29 pm #599067
a friend of mine was dating a guy for her first time, the guy dumped her based on her inexperiencce in dating otherwise I see it as being a wonderful match! My friend was heartbroken ’cause she really liked him. anyway she ended up getting engaged last month and now I hear rumours this guy is very jelous that he lost out… Too bad now!! My friend deserves better. and she definitely did get better than that stuborn guy that wouldn’t even give the her a chance. He baldly took advantage of the fact that she was a first timer. and he used her to raise his self esteem, that is probably very low… Apparently this guy does it to a zilion girls, she’s not the only oneit has happened to… he makes believe he’s really interested when in truth he’s not planning to commit in the slightest.. more over theres rumour hes afraid to commit. the nebach, he would just date a girl for the fun of it and then dump her. I really feel it’s something I should take up with a rav, as this guy should not be redt anymore girls until he’s mature enough to date girls that are compatible with him, and not to just lead them on for the fun of it!! It poshut makes me sick, just thinking about it. theres sooo many AMAZING girls and theres no good boys around. All the garbage is being labled good ’cause there is nothing else.. I honestly feel like publishing his name if not for the fact that it’s lashon hara. This guy is poshut a lowlife that has a frum costume. Girls learn to choose your cards carefully when it comes to agreeing to go out. Don’t go out with a guy unless youve checked him out tharoughly, cause some think that they can do whatever they want, since there is a shortage of boys they will get a great girl anyway!! GIRLS BE PICKY!!!! so what if there is so many of us we should still get what we deserve!! It’s a lifetime decision. every person is worth far more than a million bucks, don’t sell yourself cheap.September 1, 2011 2:31 pm at 2:31 pm #805733
Pretty sad story. Ill bet there are many guys doing the same thing to alot of girls.September 1, 2011 2:48 pm at 2:48 pm #805734
It’s poshut. You should poshut take it up with a rov.September 1, 2011 2:48 pm at 2:48 pm #805735
girls!!!! DON”T SELL YOURSELVES CHEAP!!!
And have no fear when you don’t get married and give up your Bashert because you “didn’t want to sell “cheap””.
theres sooo many AMAZING girls and theres no good boys around.
It is a buyers market out there, and those who are choosy won’t be bought.September 1, 2011 2:48 pm at 2:48 pm #805736
true however don’t dump the first guy/girl you meet, just because he’s the first guy/girlSeptember 1, 2011 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #805737
Wonder how your friend could like such a stubborn nebach of a lowlife.
Sounds like you need another crash course in the halachos. And quick.September 1, 2011 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm #805738
My wife and I were each others first date,we have been married now 11 years 5 kids later…..September 1, 2011 3:16 pm at 3:16 pm #805739
Your assessment makes no sense.
the guy dumped her based on her inexperiencce in dating
Is that why he dumped her?
He baldly took advantage of the fact that she was a first timer. and he used her to raise his self esteem
I see, he gets a high out of dumping girls. Not impossible.
Apparently this guy does it to a zilion girls… he makes believe he’s really interested when in truth he’s not planning to commit in the slightest
Wow. So he spends his whole life trying to make girls interested and then dumping them for fun.
more over theres rumour hes afraid to commit
No, I’ll make that bold: more over theres rumour hes afraid to commit
Doesn’t that answer your question? He is afraid to commit. He is not some evil jerk who is preying on people’s emotions, he is afraid to commit. He is trying his best, he dates, and hopes it will work out.
I personally hope he is also in therapy, and he probably is. So what more do you want of the guy?
This guy is poshut a lowlife that has a frum costume.
You should probably call him to apologize.September 1, 2011 4:04 pm at 4:04 pm #805740
PBA – This is one of those times I agree with you and then some.
And the fact that after she got engaged he had second thoughts, is perfectly normal. This doesn’t make him an evil monster!September 1, 2011 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #805741
“the guy dumped her based on her inexperiencce in dating otherwise I see it as being a wonderful match!” whats so wonderful about “This guy is poshut a lowlife that has a frum costume”.?? “theres sooo many AMAZING girls and theres no good boys around.” really ….?September 1, 2011 5:53 pm at 5:53 pm #805742
no offense this is a typical womans rights thread. imagine if id start one saying ” boys be picky and demand lots of money looks etc.” i think you should change the threads name. it should be called dont make stupid decisions that could ruin your life thread; use your brain when picking the person youre spending your life with.September 1, 2011 7:54 pm at 7:54 pm #805743
“girls!!!! DON”T SELL YOURSELVES CHEAP!!”
Dont sell yourself for any price.September 1, 2011 8:57 pm at 8:57 pm #805744
PBA- you are awesome. great post.September 1, 2011 9:36 pm at 9:36 pm #805745
If this is what he keeps on doing I guess he can’t/afraid to make importent decisions, the last thing you want to see in a guy.September 1, 2011 11:57 pm at 11:57 pm #805746
Being a single girl I am all for bashing guys as much as the next guy, I mean girl, but this is just too much! You’re basing almost your whole post on assumptions, and heresy.September 2, 2011 12:32 am at 12:32 am #805747
Popa bar abba;- I heard from a reliable source that he told one of his buddies that he is afraid to commit… It’s not just stum a rumour.
-There is no need for me to call him and appologise, as I havn’t mentioned his name.
mytake: letoeles!! it was all told to me letoeles for cetain reasons that I cant mention here..”Wonder how your friend could like such a stubborn nebach of a lowlife”.- that’s just my opinion on the guy, obviously my friend thought differently and that’s why she agreed to date him.
“Sounds like you need another crash course in the halachos. And quick”.- I didn’t post his name so why do I need the crash course??
Health: “the fact that after she got engaged he had second thoughts, is perfectly normal. This doesn’t make him an evil monster!”- No I’m not saying he’s evil, He’s just a real nerd that needs to grow up!!!September 2, 2011 12:37 am at 12:37 am #805748
You did call him evil, and the fact that you actually know he has commitment issues just makes what you said worse. Reread your first post. You accused him of “baldly took advantage of the fact that she was a first timer. and he used her to raise his self esteem“.
And you slandered him anonymously online, so I suppose you could apologize anonymously online also.September 2, 2011 12:53 am at 12:53 am #805749
Popa;- I never said he’s evil. he’s just a real nerd that needs to grow up. People shouldn’t date for marriage, unless they are mature enough! It’s not a light thing, as you are playing with peoples lives. Inevitably my friend was mature enough to date, cause she got engaged! It’s not considered slander in any shape or form as I did not mention his name.. there is no such a thing as “anonymous slander”, according to halacha. so i have no chiyuv what so ever to appologise “anonymously online”, but thanks for your concern anyway.September 2, 2011 12:57 am at 12:57 am #805750
No, what you accused him of was being purposely mean and playing with her life, and in fact you just did so again.
Frankly, I think you are not very understanding of people, and you think just because your friend was hurt that there must be a villain.
Fine, so you don’t have a chiyuv to apologize. Is that why we apologize? To fulfill a chiyuv?September 2, 2011 1:14 am at 1:14 am #805751
Popa- Point taken. However,”Frankly, I think you are not very understanding of people, and you think just because your friend was hurt that there must be a villain”.- you just accused me of not being understanding of people, that’s an insult right there.. isn’t it?? maybe you have a chiyuv to appologise online…
If I wasn’t a people person, meaning I didn’t understand people, I wouldn’t be able to sympathise with a friend, I wouldn’t be able to catch on that he was using her to higher his selfesteem, inwhich you (I assume, you are a guy), agreed on that point too..September 2, 2011 1:33 am at 1:33 am #805752
You are still not getting it.
He was not using her to boost his self esteem; he has commitment issues, as you know and noted.September 2, 2011 1:43 am at 1:43 am #805753
POPA- Doesn’t make it right to lead girls on though!! He shouldn’t be dating yet.. It doesn’t matter how old he is, if he has commitment issues then he is not mature enough to date. “I see, he gets a high out of dumping girls. Not impossible.”- You admited there yourself that rejecting girls sometimes gets a guy a shtikle higher self esteem… It’s not one or the other its both!!-(commitment problems, and a selfesteem booster)September 2, 2011 1:58 am at 1:58 am #805754September 2, 2011 1:59 am at 1:59 am #805755
No, I said it was not impossible. But it is clearly not the case in this instance, as you yourself said that the problem he has is committment issues.
To assume he does it to get a high, which is highly bizzare, when there is a perfectly normal explanation is not very nice of you.
As far as whether he should be dating, I assume he discusses it with his therapist, which I assume he has.
But really, the poor guy wants to get married. He keeps trying to make a relationship, and it never works for him.
And then on top of that he has people like you acting like he is a complete rasha.
I feel bad for him. I don’t feel particularly bad for your friend. I do feel a bit bad for you.
And now you call him an “immature nerd”.
Just why is he immature OR a nerd? Having commitment issues is not related to either.
However, castigating people for their emotional issues which are ruining their lives- is pretty immature.September 2, 2011 2:22 am at 2:22 am #805756
Shteiger – It sounds to me as if you are violating the issur of lashon hara because you seem to have been mekabel all of these rumors as truth. Even if one hears something l’toeles from a “reliable source”, the Torah still forbids us from believing it. The only thing thing that we may do is take precaution just in case it may be true. The gemara makes this distinction clearly when discussing the story of Gedalyahu ben Achikum. It is important to make a distinction in your mind between what you may know as fact (i.e. that he ended the shidduch with your friend and that he has ended several other shidduchim as well) and what you have heard from others or have come to assume on your own (i.e. he has commitment issues and uses girls to boost his self esteem).
To take any action that would harm this individual by making it more difficult for him to get a shidduch could possibly be a terrible aveira. You are dealing with someone’s life. Please tread carefully.September 2, 2011 2:29 am at 2:29 am #805757
I did NOT say he is a rasha. You don’t seem to be getting the point that he’s got 2 different issues at hand. one of his issues cant solve his other issue. I’m not castigating it for no apparent reason, I’m mentioning it to make girls aware that its not always them that makes a guy say no, but rather his own issues that can cause this to happen. At the time my friend thought it was her, only much later when I was preview to a number of different info on him then I was able to console my friend that it wasnt her but rather him. however you’re saying I’m ruining lives,Correction over here:I’m definitely building lives. Girls don’t date immature nerds like this, date mature stable men and we will have a much better world!September 2, 2011 3:07 am at 3:07 am #805758
Shtieger -“Popa bar abba;- I heard from a reliable source that he told one of his buddies that he is afraid to commit…”
I’m appalled at your way of thinking. Did you ever hear of being Dan L’caf Zecus? He told his friend that he’s afraid to commit. Let’s say he really did say this. So because he said this you went on a whole tirade not only on him, but on all males in general. Isn’t it possible that he had a very different reason(s) why he has dumped girls he went out with, but doesn’t want to publicize this, so he made up a story about commitment. I feel bad for you that you can’t look at people of the opposite gender in a positive light. And I feel even worse for the unlucky guy who marries you!September 2, 2011 3:12 am at 3:12 am #805759
I did NOT say he is a rasha. You don’t seem to be getting the point that he’s got 2 different issues at hand. one of his issues cant solve his other issue.
Your problems are worse than I thought. You simply cannot understand. I feel very sorry for you.September 2, 2011 3:53 am at 3:53 am #805761
Shhh..Tiger; I missed the sale? Where was this going on?
Brooklyn, or Queens? Why am I always the last to know?
Whoever got a big Metziya due to this sale please, please, post.
Thank you!September 2, 2011 4:22 am at 4:22 am #805762
Calling her tiger, reminds me of a song -“She’s a man-eater…”September 2, 2011 4:36 am at 4:36 am #805763
health: I am really hurt by the last comment you made. I actually do view men in a positive light especially my husband who I love so much. I feel more sorry for your (future) wife, who has an abusive husband who shoots insults without thinking!! In the jewish world I don’t know if you are but we don’t believe in good or bad luck, but rather divine providence.
Popa Bar Abba- you do have some good points, however at this stage I’d say you’ve lost the case.
Bein Hasdorim- thanks for your lightheartedness in such an argumentative post inwhich I did not intend to create such a blazing fire.. btw:- who’s the tiger??September 2, 2011 7:39 am at 7:39 am #805764
Shtieger -“I feel more sorry for your (future) wife, who has an abusive husband who shoots insults without thinking!!”
I actually think before I post. I’m glad you love your husband, but why do you hate most men? I wasn’t the one shooting insults -maybe you should re-read your posts. Eg. – “poshut a lowlife”, “real nerd that needs to grow up”. These I’m sorry to say are insults. I might not know whom the guy is, but you do. I was just defending him.
I don’t know how old you are, but I have a lot of insight into people. You learn a lot about people when you’re exposed to life and death, like I’ve been (in the medical field).
I’ll tell you another thing, going around telling e/o about this guy is possibly destroying any chance this guy has to get married. I’m pretty sure you’ve told many people your opinion about him.
I don’t blame my ex so much for my divorce, as much as her friends. Her friends could NOT stop talking about me. E/O uses the excuse Toeles, but in reality this excuse is almost never applicable. See Sefer Chofetz Chaim on Yafeh Shtika!
This post isn’t against all women. There are plenty whom guard their tongue. And I’yh, one day I hope to get remarried!September 2, 2011 10:47 am at 10:47 am #805765
I didn’t read all the posts, so maybe I missed something really big, or maybe its just me, but something sounds a little (maybe more than a little) off here…
I don’t understand why you’re so into what happened to your friend, its done and over with. Was this a couple you tried to set up?September 2, 2011 11:29 am at 11:29 am #805766
shteiger- i think if you took some ESL courses your posts might be easier to understand; by extension, you would have an easier time being able to formulate and express a coherent arguement.September 2, 2011 12:16 pm at 12:16 pm #805767
I’m wondering how the OP made the jump from a guy who may or may not have intentionally messed with her friend to this…. “theres sooo many AMAZING girls and theres no good boys around. All the garbage is being labled good ’cause there is nothing else”September 2, 2011 1:04 pm at 1:04 pm #805768
I’m wondering how the OP made the jump from a guy who may or may not have intentionally messed with her friend to this…. “theres sooo many AMAZING girls and theres no good boys around. All the garbage is being labled good ’cause there is nothing else”
I can’t believe I missed that!
Say shteiger, how do you respond to that?September 2, 2011 2:38 pm at 2:38 pm #805769
I was out of the CR for a while, so it’s kind of entertaining to see where this thread ended up.
Question: Why do you sound so worked up about this, if it happened quite a few weeks ago (“anyway she ended up getting engaged last month and now I hear rumors…”) and your friend is engaged B”H?
Why do you think that any girl would take a lesson from a story from an anonymous poster about an anonymous boy who clearly is too upset about her friend’s hurt feelings to be rational and objective?September 2, 2011 4:11 pm at 4:11 pm #805770
Shuli, you are nuttier than shteiger. At least shteiger had a trigger for her tirade.September 2, 2011 4:33 pm at 4:33 pm #805771
popa dont be bashed by this nutty women you are 100% right!
health- amen! may it come fast and easy for youSeptember 2, 2011 5:11 pm at 5:11 pm #805772
And as usual, we have someone bashing all boys for any and every problem that comes up in Shidduchim. If he’s not sure if a girl is right for him so he keeps dating her to see if she’s his bashert, he’s “using her” and leading her on; and if he chooses to stop dating her, he’s contributing to the so-called Shidduch crisis by being too picky.
By the way, Poppa bar Abba – I’m really, really enjoying your posts on this thread. Great work, as usual.September 2, 2011 5:40 pm at 5:40 pm #805773
Haven’t read the posts but I’m thinking that this guy might have commitment issues which is why he “dumped” her and has done it to others too.September 4, 2011 1:06 am at 1:06 am #805774
This guy is one of my husband’s friends and is one of our shabbos table members just about every week. So I know everything I have mentioned is 100% correct. I’m not saying it to knock all guys chas ve chas. there are plenty of guys out there that make wonderful husbands and fathers. I am just mentioning it to those that are in the parsha that they should look for qaulity, and not just compromise cause there is nothing better.. It’s a none fact that there is more girls out there than boys. This guy is definitely not qaulity, he’s scum,but Like I said for what ever reason my friend saw him as being a really nice mentch.
Health: “I actually think before I post. I’m glad you love your husband, but why do you hate most men?” I never stated that I hate most men. i really hope you find your zivug bekorov, without any obstacles in your way. “I might not know whom the guy is, but you do. I was just defending him.”- I’m honestly impressed!! your great for defending someone whome you don’t know. what Ahavas yisroel!! “I’ll tell you another thing, going around telling e/o about this guy is possibly destroying any chance this guy has to get married. I’m pretty sure you’ve told many people your opinion about him.”- I never said that I go around telling everyone about him, I only talk about him, using his name when it’s for letoeles reasons and when my husband and I set him up. which has been on a NUMBER of different occasions!!! It’s also very frustrating setting him up, and knowing that it’s not going to work ’cause he’s just too much of an immature nerd to commit. I definitely admire my husband’s patience with him!!
Toi:”shteiger- i think if you took some ESL courses your posts might be easier to understand; by extension, you would have an easier time being able to formulate and express a coherent arguement.”- I don’t quite get what you mean here, if you want to make yourself slightly clearer I might be able to answer your post..& If you would like you can let me know what exactly you didn’t understand and I’ll be happy to clarify it for you!
POPA:”I’m wondering how the OP made the jump from a guy who may or may not have intentionally messed with her friend to this…. “theres sooo many AMAZING girls and theres no good boys around. All the garbage is being labled good ’cause there is nothing else”
I can’t believe I missed that!
Say shteiger, how do you respond to that?” Its a true fact, if you don’t agree there must be something wrong with you.. this guy’s a totally immature nerd that gets great girls as dates. But I’m sure he wouldn’t if there were an eqaul amount of boys and girls in the world. I hope and pray he will become a great husband and father one day. He just really needs to stop being an immature nerd and learn to get out of his commitment issue before it’s too late!!September 4, 2011 3:40 am at 3:40 am #805775
OK. So this guy who happens to be a shabbos guest of yours is also scum. How did yo make the leap to this? “It poshut makes me sick, just thinking about it. theres sooo many AMAZING girls and theres no good boys around. All the garbage is being labled good ’cause there is nothing else..” No good boys? All garbage is labeled good? With such sweeping generalizations, I wonder if the problem is with you and not everyone else.September 4, 2011 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #805776
Shtieger -“I’m honestly impressed!! your great for defending someone whome you don’t know. what Ahavas yisroel!!”
Thank you and your sarcasm is duly noted.
“I never said that I go around telling everyone about him, I only talk about him, using his name when it’s for letoeles reasons and when my husband and I set him up. which has been on a NUMBER of different occasions!!!It’s also very frustrating setting him up, and knowing that it’s not going to work ’cause he’s just too much of an immature nerd to commit. I definitely admire my husband’s patience with him!!”
I admire your Tzidkus. You set him up and then you Bad Mouth him. With friends like you, who needs enemies?
How about getting him the help he needs by suggesting he should go for some professional help? Do yourself a favor, stop Redding him Shidduchim and stop Bashmutzing him. If you haven’t realized Rosh Hashona is around the corner. Btw, therapy is good for married people also!September 4, 2011 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm #805777
I’m starting to hope this is a troll.
If it is, well done. You get this week’s “Popa award”.
If it isn’t…September 4, 2011 3:39 pm at 3:39 pm #805778
No, unfortunately this is not a troll. I know shteiger personally. She is a nut case.September 5, 2011 2:51 am at 2:51 am #805779
brainy; IF you know me inside and out, then you must be the nut inside the case..
HEALTH: I’m really sorry you took offense to this. I honestly didn’t mean to come accross sarcastic.September 5, 2011 4:33 am at 4:33 am #805780
Shtieger – I hope you take my recommendations seriously.September 5, 2011 5:52 am at 5:52 am #805781
Maybe when this guy meets the RIGHT girl, he wont have commitment issues. Dating isn’t easy, and even with his issues, he is still trying. When dating, every single experience there is a lesson to learn from. That is between the two people who were dating- the guy and the girl. Let her search for whatever lesson she can learn, whether it is in herself, or more outside the box. Let him to the same. Hashem is the true shadchan, He knows what he is doing. Shteiger, there is no need to get so worked up over it. You are protecting your friend, which is understandable, but it is out of your control.
I read a story from Reb Shlomo Carlebach over Shabbos that relates to this in a way. I don’t remember all the details, but I will do my best. There was a chosid who was a successful lumberjack that had a son who reached the age to get married but there was one problem. Every time he was introduced to a new girl, He fainted. They brought in all the best doctors to treat him, but no one was successful. He went to the Baal Shem Tov, and he said,”Dont worry, when he meets the right one, he will not faint.”
One year, the chosid cut down more trees than usual and was getting ready for a large income that year. One night there was a storm that was so bad, the river overflowed and it carried away all of his lumber. He had no money left. He went to the Baal Shem Tov again, and the Baal Shem Tov told him that he can not help him and he will have to become a beggar. The chosid begged for help, but the Baal Shem Tov gave him the same answer.
The chosid started to travel all over Poland to raise money, and whatever time he had free he would stop in a beis medrash to learn. One day, he was learning in the bais medrash and a wealthy man who’s house he visited that day came over to him. The man told him that he is so successful and busy that he cant learn as much Torah as he would like and made the chosid an offer to learn in his house all day for money and when the chosid wants to go back home, he could.
In the end of the story, the business owner became successful because he woke up one morning with lumber all over his yard(that was washed away from the chosids house by the storm.) He started his business with that wood. The family had a daughter that fainted every time she met a suitable match. When the two children met, they didnt faint. It was bashert.
My point is, maybe when this boy meets the right one, he wont have any hesitation, because he will feel that it is just right. Your friend is lucky she didn’t continue, because obviously it isnt meant to be, and now she doesnt have to waste any more time with it and can continue on her own search. They should both find their zivugim soon with clarity!September 5, 2011 5:54 am at 5:54 am #805782
Sorry, I forgot she got married already. She should have a beautiful happy marriage, and he should find his zivug bkarov.
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