Toilet Training

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  • #601515

    Poster
    Member

    I am toilet traning my son. He is almost 3. Today was the first day and it was a real disaster and was so stressful for all of us. We had prizes, nosh, games and songs…ANY ADVICE???

    #842534

    Nechomah
    Participant

    It’s great all the stuff you had, but what did you do? Have you ever tried to toilet train him? Has he ever had extended periods of time where he remains dry (an hour or two)? What made it a real disaster?

    Some people recommend letting them go naked from the waist down for a few days just to get the hang of going to the bathroom without having to deal with the pants up – pants down. It can be a challenge with brochos, but should be doable for a few days. Do you use pull-ups? I personally do not recommend them because they are like diapers and do not let them feel the sensation of being wet since they absorb everything pretty quickly. Some people try letting them go around in underwear from the start (minus pants) but you have to have a good supply on hand and plan on doing a lot of laundry in the beginning.

    What did you do when he had an accident? Don’t make a big deal, just clean up and go on about your day in a matter of fact way. On what is he making – small potty or on “booster” to the regular toilet seat? Does he seem afraid? Some kids need to feel the support under their feet but want to use the big toilet like Mommy and Tatty, so sometimes a stool is helpful. You might let him participate in picking out what to use since that gives them a vested interest and makes them more excited. Prizes, stickers and cheers from the family are great. Try to have 2 levels of prizes for the obvious levels of achievement in the process. Some people suggest setting a timer for every 20 minutes (or longer if you feel comfortable with that) and taking them to the bathroom whether they like it or not. After a while of that they come to understand what the sensation of having to make feels like and then they should learn to start telling. Don’t rely on them to tell in the beginning.

    If you need more advice, feel free to ask.

    #842535

    SaysMe
    Member

    Don’t expect it to be successful on day 1. Or 2, or 3.

    You don’t need bribery, though some kids benefit from rewards. The best encouragement I’ve seen has always been telling the kid he’s going to be a big boy who can go to school, not need diapers, etc. Don’t be upset at him if he has accidents, but do praise success. Also, don’t let him use a diaper part of the day and not others, or diapers when out. Insisting on using the toilet throughout the day is important. Take him to try every so often.

    I’m sure others are going to say the exact opposite, but this was my experience :).

    #842536

    flowers
    Participant

    Just know it’s a process that can take a lot of time and patience. It is unrealistic to expect that it will happen the first day. Overdoing it isn’t going to speed things up.

    If possible let him run around with his bottom bare.

    Depending on the kid, sometimes it might feel like it will never happen, but it will.

    Good luck.

    #842537

    BTGuy
    Participant

    Hi Poster.

    As you know, Rome was not built in a day, nor were the toilets they created or their citizens ability to remember to flush, mastered in a day.

    I recommend Doctor Spocks book on child rearing. Go to the index and look where the info is on potty/toilet training.

    Very basically, he says children do not like to make a mess. By starting off part of the morning with them not wearing a diaper or anything, and not wanting to make a mess, they will naturally, on their own, start realizing the bathroom is the place to go.

    They have to come to this realization on their own, otherwise it does not sink in.

    With each successful “event”, they should be commended for how big they are getting and cheered on. There is no magic bullet for total and immediate potty training. Knowing this will help make it less stressful.

    All in all, I know his procedure works when other methods have failed, which is why I recommend it.

    Hatzlacha in this very big and important step in your child’s development.

    #842538

    yungerman1
    Participant

    Seriously? Its been a whole day and he is not toilet trained yet?

    Every kid is different, and it can take a long time. DO NOT force him, when he is ready he will do it.

    Try giving him lots to drink, and then have him sit on the toilet for an hour. You will need to entertain him while he is sitting there.

    Hatzlocha Rabbah, and no, cleaning up accidents does not become any more pleasant!!

    #842539

    flyer
    Member

    I’ve trained three boys all by 2 and 1/2 – the first few days will be a stress – don’t get stressed!!!

    Give him a lot to drink and sit as much as possible by the toilet (or take every five minutes)(I used a potty so he can be wherever I was – people either love it or hate it.

    It is going to take a few days no matter what – once you know that you won’t give up and once he is in underwear – he will probably have an accident or two per day for the first few weeks.

    The main thing is just be consistent and give it time – don’t try to do too much else at the same time – it never works.

    #842540

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Leave salty snacks and drinks on the table for him to nosh on and drink throughout the day. Dress him in a pair of underwear and a t-shirt only and keep the potty close by (if you can). Tell him “listen to your body and make pee pee on the potty” and then he can earn a toy. Each time he goes he earns the use of an additional toy, activity, or candy. Keep small chocolates or licorice on another ledge nearby, which he can also choose as a reward for “going”. Each successful potty’ing, he earns one toy (can accumulate) or candy. If he has an accident, he loses the use of all toys until he makes again, at which point he begins the process again by earning one toy. Be prepared for this to take up to a week to reinforce. Best to do during vacation when you’re both home to reinforce it.

    #842541

    student
    Member

    The key to toilet training is to do it when the child is ready. Does he understand what it means to have to go to the bathroom? Can he tell you he needs to go and then hold it in until you make it to a bathroom? If you wait until the child is ready, the entire process will be less painful for all, and there will hardly be any accidents. Any child who is having two accidents a day for a few weeks is not ready to be trained.

    #842542

    gefen
    Participant

    “It is going to take a few days no matter what” Um…. it could also take a few weeks or more. but it will happen. Don’t despair and don’t feel like you or your child are a failure because it’s taking longer than you thought. Kids pick up on ur feelings of stress so try to remain calm. Praise him when he gets it right. When he has an accident, just say “it’s ok – let’s clean it up – next time you’ll try again” One day you look back at this and probably laugh. Every moment in raising children is precious – even if they are stressful at times. Hatzlacha Rabba. Enjoy their youth, then the pre-teen years, the teen years, and then adulthood!!!

    #842543

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    I found cute books on the topic to read to my toddler and got the cutest video from the library for kids about using the potty. Good luck and just be very patient.

    #842544

    flyer
    Member

    student – if you are going to wait until your child is telling you I need to go to the bathroom – in other words, training themselves, you will have to wait until 4-5 for many kids!! And it is very normal to have an accident a day for 1-2 weeks after they are officially trained.

    #842545

    oomis
    Participant

    This takes a LOT of patience. But just remember this – no one healthy goes to his chuppah srill wearing diapers.

    #842546

    shuli
    Member

    oomis, wow what encouragement…

    #842547

    oomis
    Participant

    Shuli, I know it sounded silly, but do you know how many people feel like there is no light at the end of the toilet training tunnel? But somehow all our kids managed to get trained, some sooner, some later. In the end, (no pun intended), they all got trained somehow. it takes patience, ebcause we want everything to happen quickly, but each child has its own timetable. Some VERY bright kids don’t train until they are close to four (and they are smart enough to use the training as a power play).

    #842548

    that is true. we all figure it out eventually.

    btw oomis, that pun was pretty lame, better not mention it next time, no one would have noticed it

    #842549

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Toilet training is a waste of time. You end up back in diapers at the end anyway.

    #842550

    stanleyc
    Member

    wow, popa_bar_abba, that is extraordinary insensitivity to the senior segment of our population. and i think the term retarted is considered to be quite politically incorrent these days

    #842551

    chofetzchaim
    Member

    Hey look, the Stanleys are back.

    #842552

    on behalf of all teachers, who teach kids who are of age to be toilet trained, I will just tell you: PLEASE don’t send your child to school if he/she is not properly trained! of course, if he/she has an ****occasional**** accident, we understand, and don’t mind changing your child- but our job is NOT to toilet train your child!

    believe me, some of the parents i deal with- whoa! they walk their kid into school and tell us “we think (name)is ready, so today is his first day in underwear!”

    one parent only trained her kid halfway, and he doesn’t tell us when he needs to go. we had three accidents on three consecutive days. I AM SORRY BUT THAT IS NOT CONSIDERED TOILET TRAINED.

    before sending your child to school make sure:

    1) he is fully trained, read: can do #1 and #2 in the toilet

    2) he can VERBALIZE to a morah when he has to go (we take the kids AT LEAST twice in a 2 hour period. once in the morning before gym- at about 9:15, and once after learning time at about 11:30. they get to school between 8:30 and 9, so parents have just taken them at home, or the parents take them when they get to school. we take them twice after that. that is enough for well trained kids. usually parents take them again at 1 before they leave school. but come on, that’s enough. if a child can’t go without an accident on this schedule (of course unless due to a medical issue, which i am not talking about here) THEY ARE NOT WELL TRAINED. sorry to be so harsh, its just that i wonder sometimes is parents really think about what they are doing.

    #842553

    oomis
    Participant

    Sometimes kids who ARE completely trained, have repeated accidents, as a response to being in school, or BECAUSE of school. My son, when he was three, had been fully trained by age 2 1/2, but when he went to school many months later, began to have repeated “accidents.” The teacher called us in to tell us he wasn’t ready for school, and it was only through careful questioning, that I determined the accidents were occuring within ten minutes of lunch time (during the “rest” period). After eating lunch, my son needed to go to the bathroom, but the teacher was being a zealot for “it’s rest period, now.” Not being able to go to the bathroom when he wanted to but still having to go, he would of course have an accident. Once I made the teacher see she was being unreasonable (he was the only one who needed to use the facilities, so it was not causing a disruption to the other kids who were resting), and he was allowed to go after lunch, there was never a recurrence.

    So teachers, maybe some of you are the problem at least some of the time, not just the children who may be trained, but still need to adjust to being in school. I am sure you are correct that many kids go to school untrained, but treat each child’s case individually and try not to make assumptions.

    #842554

    Poster
    Member

    Thanks loads for all the amazing advice. B”H my son is basically trained. I want to tell all parents before they train DONT GIVE UP!

    I was ready to quit after teh first day assuming my son just wasnt ready.

    #842555

    oomis, we are not like that. if a kid has to go to the bathroom,we do take them, whether its learning time, snack time, gym/recess… even if we just took them 10 minutes ago, we take them again. We definitely speak to the parents to see what we could work out, and we keep in touch if any of us sees a change in potty training status in the child (good or bad change)- but there ARE still some untrained kids, like you and I both did mention, and the parents just don’t wanna deal with diapers anymore, so they just send them in underwear not knowing that their kid is truly ready. And i don’t know about anyone else here, but as i see it, verbalizing the need to go to the bathroom is part of training- i had a kid just sticking his hands in his underwear, he would not say anything to me, he just stood there waiting for me to notice, and when i did notice, about 10 seconds later (and no he was not standing right under my nose, so i’m lucky i even noticed where his hand was) he had already had an accident.

    #842556

    good.jew
    Member

    Nechomah: Can you please explain why anyone would be concerned about a 3 year old making brochos? Do you really think a 3 year old should make them? Even my 5 year old hasn’t a clue what she is really saying

    #842557

    flowers
    Participant

    good.jew: children should be taught to make brachos as soon as they are able to speak. A 5 year old who hasn’t a clue what is really saying either has delayed language and needs services or someone isn’t teaching the kid like s/he is supposed to.

    #842558

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    children should be taught to make brachos as soon as they are able to speak.

    I agree. Adults don’t think about the brachos they are making either, and often don’t know what they mean either. The point of davening is just to be frum, not to say anything to Hashem.

    #842559

    good.jew
    Member

    Flowers: My daughter speaks and understands English just fine, but she does not speak hebrew too well. Please find me one three year old in this country who understands what the meaning of the brachos he/she is saying. But go ahead and believe you are real frum and don’t toilet train a three year old because of brachos

    #842560

    tomim tihye
    Member

    good.jew:

    Nechomah referred to others who wish to make brachos in the child’s presence; they must turn away from the uncovered child.

    #842561

    Nechomah
    Participant

    Thanks for the support TT. I was going to delete that part of my post, but was short of time, but that is what I meant. BTW, in children of age 3 do understand the words of the brocho even if they don’t understand the concept of Hashem. I was not aware that this site was restricted to participants only in the United States and I am not sure where Poster is from.

    Great job Poster. That first day can be a real hard one, but now that you see his progress it will hopefully continue in that way. Try not to plan too many outings in the next week or two just so that he’ll be close to his familiar bathroom, but some people do recommend taking their kids to public bathrooms (if they are the type who will use them) just to familiarize kids with them and show them that they’re not something to be scared of. I know of others who will make sure to take a potty along with in the car for emergency stops in the early months after training. Hatzlacha!

    Oh, and PBA, I totally hear you on “not to say anything to Hashem” but I think that it is important to get the kids in the habit of saying brochos at an early age because it is much easier to get that instilled in to them and then as they get older and can understand kavana, they will hopefully be able to integrate that into their brochos (although it is not a given if they are simply saying things by rote).

    #842562

    flowers
    Participant

    good.jew: I was also going to say that Nechoma may have been referring to the fact the we must turn away from a child who isn’t dressed properly when saying a bracha.

    As to what you said, I disagree totally. One doesn’t need to understand the words of a bracha to know that we are saying a bracha to thank Hashem for the food He has given us, and if we don’t say the bracha it is as if we stole the food since all the food actually belongs to Hashem. A 5 year old should understand this.

    what popa said: Adults don’t think about the brachos they are making either, and often don’t know what they mean either. is unfortunately too true. From observing my own children, I think 5 year olds make better brachos than most adults I know.

    #842563

    student
    Member

    To Yummy- You are 100% correct. That’s what I meant when I said that a child who continues to have one or two accidents a day for a few weeks is not ready to be trained. When a child is ready (not when the mother is ready) it is a much easier and smoother process. And Flyer, a child will not wait unti 4 or 5 to trian themselves and they absolutely should not be having two accidents aday for a few weeks. That is not trained.

    #842564

    Poster
    Member

    Nechomah, since you’re experienced maybe you can help me.

    My sons teacher said that he would not use her bathroom. He held himself in until he came home. Is that normal? What can I do. She said he told her he needs to go, and then when he got to the bathroom he shyed away. She said all the kids use the bathroom so she couldnt figure out why he refused.

    #842565

    Nechomah
    Participant

    Poster, probably my latest post hadn’t gone through yet when you posted your last ?. Let me know if you think that might be helpful, otherwise I’ll think of some other ideas that might help, but just you should know that it is a very common phenomenon for a newly toilet trained kid and your teacher’s comments shouldn’t be taken too seriously. It’s a matter of familiarity. Find out what kind of toilet they have available and see if you can either incorporate what they have at school in your own home or if what you have is portable, maybe you can have another one available for him at school. Hatzlacha.

    #842566

    mra01385
    Member

    To Imaofthree: Can you please tell me which books and videos you found in the library for potty training? Maybe I can read them to my 2 yr old to introduce him to the potty.

    #842567

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Ok.

    So here’s an additional question

    What do you do if your child is trained to use the potty for urine (so he’s still in a pull up) and then while you’re waiting or the school bus they tell you “mommy, I need to make…”. We live in a building, so there’s no time to run upstairs. I don’t want to send the wrong message by saying “make in your pull up”.

    #842568

    rescue37
    Participant

    You do the same thing you would do if you were waiting for the bus and had to go and couldn’t hold it. You take the child to bathroom and get them to school late.

    #842569

    Poster
    Member

    mommamia22, great question. My son procastinates bedtime by saying he needs the bathroom. SO i take him, then 5 min later he says he needs again, we go and nothing. this can go on and on…

    #1422512

    slominer
    Participant

    At what age is it kinda late to wait to, to start toilet training a toddler?

    #1422688

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    We didn’t force the issue and most of my children were trained between the ages of 2.5 yoa to 3 yoa. The latest as 3 years and 1 month.

    #1424501

    Avram in MD
    Participant

    slominer,

    At what age is it kinda late to wait to, to start toilet training a toddler?

    I think between 2 and 3 years old is most common, though a few kids might show readiness before 2, and a few may not be fully ready until 4. Beyond that, one should probably schedule a visit to the doctor to rule out any underlying problems. Nighttime bed-wetting beyond age 4 is more common than many parents (and kids) think, and doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem.

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