November 24, 2013 6:39 pm at 6:39 pm #611371
1. Everyone knows the famous story of the wagon driver whose olam haba was to have a high quality coach and four white horses and smooth roads. Well, I once had to be in shomayim and I took his coach. This time, though, we kept having to stop. I asked the wagon driver what was going on, and he explained that the Heavenly Court was being renovated, and all traffic had to be diverted and routed through two lanes. “Yup,” he concluded, “I guess this is what you call a Pamalya Delay!”
2. I did a favor for a friend of mine last Tuesday, and I didn’t see him until Shabbos morning. I chatted with him for a bit and he didn’t mention it. I wondered if everything had worked out as hoped, and to be honest, I was a little miffed that he hadn’t mentioned it at all. I asked him if everything had worked out since our previous discussion on Tuesday and he curtly said that everything was fine.
After ma’ariv, he came over to me and told me that he felt bad that he hadn’t thanked me that morning, but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to because “Yom Shabbason Ein Lishkoyach”.November 24, 2013 7:29 pm at 7:29 pm #1196819
lolNovember 24, 2013 8:01 pm at 8:01 pm #1196820
Excellent, keep ’em coming.November 24, 2013 8:47 pm at 8:47 pm #1196821
LOVED the last one, but didn’t get the first one. What does Pamalya delay (I recognize that they are Aramaic words, but not what they mean) signify?November 24, 2013 9:24 pm at 9:24 pm #1196822
I was driving up and down the street looking for my daughter, Shani. My wife was looking out the right side and I was looking out the left side. Suddenly, I told my wife, “You can stop looking.” “Why?” she asked. I pointed out my window at the sidewalk. “Shani hacha.”November 24, 2013 9:30 pm at 9:30 pm #1196823
I fell into a river and got really wet. I told my friend, “My, look at how dry I am!” Confused, he said, “You’re not dry; you’re wet!” I said, “I was using a lashon soggy nahar.”November 24, 2013 11:03 pm at 11:03 pm #1196824
A two door car sports car and a four door sedan had a race. Who won? The two door; two door veshe’aino two door, two door kodem!November 25, 2013 12:20 am at 12:20 am #1196825
Three people were arguing over which one of them was in the Torah. One’s name was Mukdam, one’s name was meuchar, and the last one’s name was Robert.
And Robert proved it to them, because ein mukdam u’meuchar b’torah!!
No? Not funny?November 25, 2013 12:51 am at 12:51 am #1196826
Sorry Popa, but that was indeed funny.November 25, 2013 12:58 am at 12:58 am #1196827
Good try Pops! Better luck next time…
lashon soggy nahar
Loved it!!November 25, 2013 3:43 pm at 3:43 pm #1196828
Once there was a joke that wasn’t funny. Nobody laughed. They mostly didn’t realize it was a joke.February 19, 2014 4:29 pm at 4:29 pm #1196829
I was in Australia and I came across a cat-size rodent, wearing a little colorful shirt, lying dead in the road. (honk if you see this one coming from a mile away…). I was saddened that someone’s pet had died, but my Australian friend consoled me.
“It’s not a pet. That species always wears shirts. And it’s just pretending to be dead.” I thought that was really strange. Then I realized.
It was a kesones possum.February 19, 2014 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #1196830
double groanFebruary 20, 2014 6:04 am at 6:04 am #1196831
Actually, no groan.June 26, 2014 6:45 pm at 6:45 pm #1196832
Q: If Hashem knew how terrible things would be in Syria, why didn’t he kill Assad when he was a baby?
A: Because Hashem judges people Bashar hu sham.June 26, 2014 6:53 pm at 6:53 pm #1196833
Assad keep ’em coming! Thanks, it’s not good to always be so Syria’s.October 14, 2015 7:47 pm at 7:47 pm #1196834
Veltz, you spelled it wrong. If you had studied Latin, you’d know it was “Familia” Delay.October 18, 2015 2:03 am at 2:03 am #1196835
DY: LolFebruary 15, 2016 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #1196836
A man was mekadesh a woman with one of those things you use to warm up chocolate so you can dip strawberries in it. The woman was diabetic and for medical reasons was unable to eat creamy or fatty things, so it was unclear whether the kiddushin was chal. They went to a rav, who paskened that it was a good kiddushin, because “Tav l’meisav fondue mel’meisav armelo”.February 15, 2016 3:32 pm at 3:32 pm #1196837
The chosson had promised the kallah her own slave. When he turned out to be a midget, she went to the dayan. He paskened that even though, technically, he fulfilled his obligation, it was a little bitty eved.February 15, 2016 3:32 pm at 3:32 pm #1196838
Utterly hilarious. All of them. I’m not sure if its because they are b’etzem funny or because I get a good feeling that I understand them!
I once took my car to a yeshivishe mechanic and he said the air in the tires was a bit low, but I shouldn’t worry about it. Why not, I asked. Because he said, BitLow Mevutal.February 15, 2016 6:34 pm at 6:34 pm #1196839
Mods – This topic should be closed. There is a Masseh with the Chassam Sofer – that he was at a Bris & there was a question which food should come first – eggs or something else. So s/o said V’haeye Mekedem. The Rov was displeased, because you don’t make jokes based on Torah words!February 15, 2016 8:12 pm at 8:12 pm #1196840
Agreed. I cry when I hear fellow Jews joking about such things.
There was once a wagon driver who stopped at the roadside to steal some fruits and it did not end well.February 15, 2016 8:42 pm at 8:42 pm #1196841
i cannot believe the wagon driver story. i know he stole fruits and it ended very well. he made 3 smoothies for his wife and that was the end of their shalom bayis problems.February 17, 2016 4:16 am at 4:16 am #1196842
u two seem to know things we dont. please tell us more. is it because we arent of the famous sisters block? what is ur opinion of the brothers?February 29, 2016 1:09 am at 1:09 am #1196843
☢️ 🚭 ☣️ Rand0m3x 🧠🕴️🎲Participant
The story with the Chasam Sofer took place at a meeting with
a prospective son-in-law. IIRC, the version I heard implied
that he would have been displeased with any joke, no matter
what it was based on. In any case, we could say that the issue
is when someone says joke-based Torah, not when they make a Torah-based joke.May 12, 2016 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #1196844May 17, 2016 2:18 pm at 2:18 pm #1196845
I can’t believe I didn’t post this earlier
Two guys, Barry and shamai were going to have a fight, everyone was betting on who would win, one guy put all his money on Barry.
Everyone stopped and stared at him wondering why he would do such a foolish thing
He answered “what! Barry and shamai, Barry adif”May 17, 2016 4:33 pm at 4:33 pm #1196846
There was a fellow who was invited to speak at a Sheva Berachos. By the time he stood up, though, the main course had been served – and so he sat down again. when asked why, he explained that there is a Pasuk in Noach which states that no one listens to a speaker over the meal: “Ketz kol – Basar ba l’fanai!”May 17, 2016 6:45 pm at 6:45 pm #1196847
coffee’s joke also works with a race between a zebra named tadir and a wolf named sheino tadir.May 17, 2016 8:57 pm at 8:57 pm #1196848
Right but I’ve never heard of a zebra and a wolf with those names
I have heard of Barry and shamaiDecember 7, 2016 3:38 am at 3:38 am #1196849
Two friends, Reuven and Shimon, were at a wedding, and the ceremony was about to to start. Reuven cut himself, but didn’t want to leave, so Shimon put his finger on the wound to control the bleeding.
Just then, they announced that Shimon should come up to be one of the two witnesses.
Of course, Reuven came with him.
When the rabbi saw them, he said Shimon was disqualified and they would need a substitute.
When Shimon asked him why, the rabbi replied, “because you’re a banned eid”.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.