Two groaners

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  • #611371

    1. Everyone knows the famous story of the wagon driver whose olam haba was to have a high quality coach and four white horses and smooth roads. Well, I once had to be in shomayim and I took his coach. This time, though, we kept having to stop. I asked the wagon driver what was going on, and he explained that the Heavenly Court was being renovated, and all traffic had to be diverted and routed through two lanes. “Yup,” he concluded, “I guess this is what you call a Pamalya Delay!”

    2. I did a favor for a friend of mine last Tuesday, and I didn’t see him until Shabbos morning. I chatted with him for a bit and he didn’t mention it. I wondered if everything had worked out as hoped, and to be honest, I was a little miffed that he hadn’t mentioned it at all. I asked him if everything had worked out since our previous discussion on Tuesday and he curtly said that everything was fine.

    After ma’ariv, he came over to me and told me that he felt bad that he hadn’t thanked me that morning, but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to because “Yom Shabbason Ein Lishkoyach”.

    #1196819

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    lol

    #1196820

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Excellent, keep ’em coming.

    #1196821

    oomis
    Participant

    LOVED the last one, but didn’t get the first one. What does Pamalya delay (I recognize that they are Aramaic words, but not what they mean) signify?

    #1196822

    LevAryeh
    Member

    I was driving up and down the street looking for my daughter, Shani. My wife was looking out the right side and I was looking out the left side. Suddenly, I told my wife, “You can stop looking.” “Why?” she asked. I pointed out my window at the sidewalk. “Shani hacha.”

    #1196823

    LevAryeh
    Member

    I fell into a river and got really wet. I told my friend, “My, look at how dry I am!” Confused, he said, “You’re not dry; you’re wet!” I said, “I was using a lashon soggy nahar.”

    #1196824

    funnybone
    Participant

    A two door car sports car and a four door sedan had a race. Who won? The two door; two door veshe’aino two door, two door kodem!

    #1196825

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Three people were arguing over which one of them was in the Torah. One’s name was Mukdam, one’s name was meuchar, and the last one’s name was Robert.

    And Robert proved it to them, because ein mukdam u’meuchar b’torah!!

    No? Not funny?

    #1196826

    Sorry Popa, but that was indeed funny.

    #1196827

    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    Good try Pops! Better luck next time…

    lashon soggy nahar

    Loved it!!

    #1196828

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Once there was a joke that wasn’t funny. Nobody laughed. They mostly didn’t realize it was a joke.

    #1196829

    I was in Australia and I came across a cat-size rodent, wearing a little colorful shirt, lying dead in the road. (honk if you see this one coming from a mile away…). I was saddened that someone’s pet had died, but my Australian friend consoled me.

    “It’s not a pet. That species always wears shirts. And it’s just pretending to be dead.” I thought that was really strange. Then I realized.

    It was a kesones possum.

    #1196830

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    double groan

    #1196831

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Actually, no groan.

    #1196832

    Q: If Hashem knew how terrible things would be in Syria, why didn’t he kill Assad when he was a baby?

    A: Because Hashem judges people Bashar hu sham.

    #1196833

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Assad keep ’em coming! Thanks, it’s not good to always be so Syria’s.

    #1196834

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Veltz, you spelled it wrong. If you had studied Latin, you’d know it was “Familia” Delay.

    #1196835

    One Liner
    Member

    DY: Lol

    #1196836

    A man was mekadesh a woman with one of those things you use to warm up chocolate so you can dip strawberries in it. The woman was diabetic and for medical reasons was unable to eat creamy or fatty things, so it was unclear whether the kiddushin was chal. They went to a rav, who paskened that it was a good kiddushin, because “Tav l’meisav fondue mel’meisav armelo”.

    #1196837

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    The chosson had promised the kallah her own slave. When he turned out to be a midget, she went to the dayan. He paskened that even though, technically, he fulfilled his obligation, it was a little bitty eved.

    (http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/puns#post-217770)

    #1196838

    aquestioningjew
    Participant

    Utterly hilarious. All of them. I’m not sure if its because they are b’etzem funny or because I get a good feeling that I understand them!

    I once took my car to a yeshivishe mechanic and he said the air in the tires was a bit low, but I shouldn’t worry about it. Why not, I asked. Because he said, BitLow Mevutal.

    #1196839

    Health
    Participant

    Mods – This topic should be closed. There is a Masseh with the Chassam Sofer – that he was at a Bris & there was a question which food should come first – eggs or something else. So s/o said V’haeye Mekedem. The Rov was displeased, because you don’t make jokes based on Torah words!

    #1196840

    pro brooklyn
    Member

    Agreed. I cry when I hear fellow Jews joking about such things.

    There was once a wagon driver who stopped at the roadside to steal some fruits and it did not end well.

    #1196841

    pro yidden
    Member

    i cannot believe the wagon driver story. i know he stole fruits and it ended very well. he made 3 smoothies for his wife and that was the end of their shalom bayis problems.

    #1196842

    probicpens
    Member

    u two seem to know things we dont. please tell us more. is it because we arent of the famous sisters block? what is ur opinion of the brothers?

    #1196843

    The story with the Chasam Sofer took place at a meeting with

    a prospective son-in-law. IIRC, the version I heard implied

    that he would have been displeased with any joke, no matter

    what it was based on. In any case, we could say that the issue

    is when someone says joke-based Torah, not when they make a Torah-based joke.

    #1196844

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant
    #1196845

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I can’t believe I didn’t post this earlier

    Two guys, Barry and shamai were going to have a fight, everyone was betting on who would win, one guy put all his money on Barry.

    Everyone stopped and stared at him wondering why he would do such a foolish thing

    He answered “what! Barry and shamai, Barry adif”

    #1196846

    mobico
    Participant

    There was a fellow who was invited to speak at a Sheva Berachos. By the time he stood up, though, the main course had been served – and so he sat down again. when asked why, he explained that there is a Pasuk in Noach which states that no one listens to a speaker over the meal: “Ketz kol – Basar ba l’fanai!”

    #1196847

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    coffee’s joke also works with a race between a zebra named tadir and a wolf named sheino tadir.

    #1196848

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Right but I’ve never heard of a zebra and a wolf with those names

    I have heard of Barry and shamai

    #1196849

    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Two friends, Reuven and Shimon, were at a wedding, and the ceremony was about to to start. Reuven cut himself, but didn’t want to leave, so Shimon put his finger on the wound to control the bleeding.

    Just then, they announced that Shimon should come up to be one of the two witnesses.

    Of course, Reuven came with him.

    When the rabbi saw them, he said Shimon was disqualified and they would need a substitute.

    When Shimon asked him why, the rabbi replied, “because you’re a banned eid”.

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