The Pun Thread

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  • This topic contains 125 replies, has 40 voices, and was last updated by  showjoe 2 years ago.
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  • #595381

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    There’s a JOKES thread; why not lets start a pun thread!

    #1098825

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Stealing someone’s coffee is called ‘mugging’.

    #1098826

    Obelix
    Member

    I get my large circumference from too much pi.

    #1098827

    wanderingchana
    Participant

    At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

    Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

    He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    #1098828

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

    #1098829

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A man jumped off a bridge in Paris; he was in Seine

    #1098830

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Yaaaaaaaay!

    My dream finally came true, a pun thread!

    people the yeshiva world over will say it was a stitch in time

    now it’s an oPUN and shut case!

    #1098831

    yossi z.
    Member

    Gummy bear what did you do? You have unleashed the PUNniness of all the cornys out here with an EAR for ROWS of GRAINS

    Now where is shticky guy?

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #1098832

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

    #1098833

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    yes yossi,

    I hope people like corn,

    speaking of which wheres the best place to get corn?

    the corner drugstore!

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1098834

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    The poor guy’s whole left side was cut off but don’t worry;

    He’s all right now.

    #1098835

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    gummy maybe he can be a football player!

    then he can get his halfback

    #1098836

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Don’t hit your head on the chandelier; you’ll become lightheaded.

    #1098837

    smartcookie
    Member

    Thanks for starting this thread! It is SEW entertaining!

    #1098838

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    What do you call a meat thief? A hamburglar (from Shluffy Bokervekker).

    #1098839

    toomuch00
    Member

    A good pun is its own reword.

    Larry said “you remind me of a pepper pot” i said “ill take that as a condiment”

    #1098840

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Smartcookie, you had me in stitches. Sew far, yours was the best pun in the whole thread.

    #1098841

    oomis
    Participant

    A short fraudulent psychic was on the lam. The news media reported him as a “Small medium at large.”

    #1098842

    what do you call a guy who sells shoes all by himself? A sole trader

    #1098843

    Poster
    Member

    How is his new store doing? It’s not your business…

    #1098844

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I told this to my brother in law when his sister (my sister in law) had a baby

    It’s just an Adar (another) baby

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1098845

    RabbiRabin
    Member

    Pinskei Tshuvos

    1. What did the thirty-six hidden Tzaddikim call their Basketball team? Lamed-vav Knicks

    2. What does one call the son-in-law of a Chassidish Meshulach? Collectors Eidim

    3. What do you call a Chassidic Master who has no organization to collect for? Rebbe Without a Cause

    #1098846

    usbaers
    Member

    “You don’t like my beard? Why doesn’t this hair hirsute you?”

    (One of my father’s favorites.)

    #1098847

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    mbachur: Mazal Tov on your new niece! 🙂

    #1098848

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    #1098849

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Police backup was called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    #1098850

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    The worm fell off his hook, but he went on fishing unabated

    #1098851

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    Drink driving is a whiskey business.

    #1098852

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    thank you Gummy,

    two robber broke into two factories: morton salt company and duracell,

    they were charged with A Salt and Battery

    #1098853

    gummy bear thats my fsvorite one

    #1098854

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Gummy Bear I think chayav means that’s the spirit!!

    Two guys were arrested for acting suspiciously last night. Turns out they’re both delusional; one thinks he’s a battery and the other is convinced he’s a firework. Police say they have decided to charge one and let the other one off.

    #1098855

    smartcookie
    Member

    Thanks, Daas Yochid! We really are having so much PUN!

    #1098856

    Phyllis
    Member

    Did you hear the joke about the jumprope? skip it…

    Did you hear the joke about the pencil? It has no point

    Did you hear the joke about the watermelon? It’s the pits!

    “These buns are raw,” she said frankly.

    #1098857

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

    No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.

    My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

    I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

    I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

    Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

    Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

    Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    Without geometry, life is pointless.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

    Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

    When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

    If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?

    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

    #1098858

    Shticky guy- I was waiting for you to get involved this is your specialty.

    #1098859

    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    No my speciality is really limericks but nobody posts limericks any more (sob, sob, sniff) so i’ve stopped there for the moment. So I’ll post here cos though limericks are closed for me, here is still o-pun.

    From Kernel-In-Chief,

    Lieutenant Kernel Shticky

    #1098860

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I took a blood test and got an A-.

    When the students in cosmetology school failed their exam, they had to take a make-up test.

    #1098861

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    From Shluffy again: What brocha do you say on burnt hamburger? Charcoal nih’ye bidvaro.

    #1098862

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    The chosson had promised the kallah her own slave. When he turned out to be a midget, she went to the dayan. He paskened that even though, technically, he fulfilled his obligation, it was a little bitty eved.

    #1098863

    Imanonov
    Participant

    There was this young couple who were happily engaged, but when she found out that he had a wooden leg she broke it off.

    #1098864

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray,

    He is now a seasoned veteran

    #1098865

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    After working for 24 hours straight, he decided to call it a day…

    #1098866

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    whenever someone asks you “whats up?” tell them “the ceiling” or “lights” or call them an apikores (the mishna in Chagigah says these four things shouldn’t be asked one of them being what’s above the world (or in other words “what’s up”)

    Whenever someone asks you “what’s going on?” tell them “lights” or “cars”

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1098867

    yoyo56
    Member

    ha ha ha very corny dont forget to make a bory pri hadama

    #1098870

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

    #1098871

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and the quaker oatmeal guy are all in hiding.

    A CEREAL KILLER is on the loose

    #1098872

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    A man was driving on an icy, abandoned road when he noticed a road sign with half of it torn clean off. ‘That’s a bad sign’ he thought to himself 🙁

    #1098873

    Gummy Bear
    Member

    There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees.

    #1098874

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    lol Gummy

    #1098875

    smartcookie
    Member

    Mbachur- those puns were awesome!

    Daas- I luv the slave one. Did you MASTER it all by youself?

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