Reply To: Positive Word Power

(It’s sefirah time when, as we count the days to Matan Torah, we mourn the loss of Rabbi Akiva’s 24,000 talmidim. Chazal tell us that a lack of kavod among the talmidim was the cause of this calamity. So as we count each day, let us focus on preparing ourselves for Matan Torah by improving in the mitzvos bein adam lachaveiro. And a great way to ensure that each day that we count is a day of growth in this area is to learn on each day two halachos of Shmiras Haloshon Yomi. Come join us on this journey to Kabbalas HaTorah, and may we arrive together, k’ish echad b’lev echad!

L’zecher Nishmas Berel ben Hirsh. Dedicated by his children Dr. and Mrs. Reuven Shanik.)

BEWARE THE UNDERTONE
In Practice:
If I have the habit of muttering under my breath when I am upset, I will take notice of this habit and try to channel my frustration more productively.
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The Lesson:
Zev and Miriam were facing one of the most difficult situations that had arisen in their 20 years of marriage. They had lived in Israel since they were wed, and had been raising their children in an environment they truly loved. However, Zev’s company had closed down six months earlier, and all his efforts to find new employment had thus far proved futile. The couple was beginning to despair when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, Zev received a lucrative job offer … in America.

Zev wanted to go. Miriam felt it would be devastating to their children and inconsistent with their vision for their family. Zev felt reality came before vision. They tried to keep their discussions of the matter calm and productive, but Miriam, the more outspoken of the two, tended to dominate the discussions. Zev would walk away shaking his head and muttering softly under his breath.

“What are you saying?” his wife would demand. “Say it to me! Whatever you’re saying, say it to me so we can have a discussion.”

“It’s nothing, nothing, I’m just talking to myself,” he finally replied. Throughout their arguments and debates on their family’s next move, the muttering continued, serving as a release valve for Zev, but a detonator for Miriam.

Well aware of the impact of angry words, Zev used his muttering to say what was on his mind but avoid direct accusations and conflict. He thought he was taking the high road, restricting his volume to an inaudible level even though he was not capable of restraining the words themselves, or better yet, working through his anger with his wife.

From Miriam’s point of view, however, the muttering itself was ona’as devarim, regardless of what words were actually being muttered. She clearly perceived that it represented anger, or at the very least, sharp disagreement. She also understood that her husband obviously felt the words were too hurtful to say to her face. Knowing that he thought these angry thoughts was discomforting, and all the more so because she was not being allowed to hear and respond to them.

This of course does not mean that it is preferable for one to shout his hurtful statements. It simply means that one should not fool oneself into thinking that just because the other person doesn’t hear what’s being said, he or she is not hurt by it. In fact, the other person may be more deeply upset by the muttering, because he might assume that the muttered comments are far worse than they actually are.

The real solution is to learn basic assertiveness: how to present one’s own point of view with clarity, calm and firmness, even in the face of opposition. In this way, disagreements can be productive. Each side can present his perspective and respond to the other person’s comments without having to suffer a stealth attack of words that he cannot hear, and that do nothing to move the discussion forward
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