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Here’s why structured per-date compensation makes sense:
The Core Problem with Current Norms
Right now, most shadchanim only get meaningfully compensated when a couple gets engaged. That means:Dozens of hours of work can go completely unrewarded
The risk falls entirely on the shadchan
People who could make good introductions don’t bother because the odds of seeing any return are lowWhy Per-Date Pay Makes Sense
A first date is a real accomplishment. Researching both sides, convincing two families, coordinating schedules, and making a viable suggestion is genuine skilled labor — regardless of outcome.
Compatibility is hard to assess from the outside. The fact that two people even agreed to meet and followed through is a win that deserves recognition.
It separates effort from outcome. A shadchan shouldn’t be penalized because one person had cold feet on date three, even though the research and suggestion were excellent.
It values the process, not just the result. Marriage is the goal, but the path to marriage is built date by date.a Tiered Structure is Smart
Date Suggested Minimum (each side)1st$50.00, 2nd$75.00, 3rd+Escalating (e.g. $100, $125…)
The escalating scale reflects that deeper dates require more shadchan involvement — follow-up calls, coaching, managing concerns from both sides.
The Incentive Effect You’re Describing is Real
People who casually think “Hmm, these two might be good together” currently have almost no reason to act on that instinct. A modest guaranteed payment per date changes the calculus entirely. It could unlock a whole informal layer of community matchmaking from people who know both sides well but aren’t professional shadchanim.
The Bottom Line
Shadchanus is a service, not a lottery ticket. Paying per date treats it that way — and would likely bring more people into the parshah faster.Absolutely categorically NO
“even tho the Research was excellent” Research is not reality lol. Nobody will ever know if they are compatible until they meet. Maybe there shouldn’t be such gatekeeping and there would be no need for so much “checking” and so much “work”
It’s so fabricated my goodnessWhile I hear your point and it’s a good idea. On paper, this is like mamdani, people will actually just stop using the shadchan as fast as they are currently moving out of New York.
While we are at it lets pay all brokerage professionals the same way
Imagine paying RE Brokers per showing
We do pay for reasonably good matches. And many shadchanim expect or hint to that. some object though if the amount is too high.
If someone professional does something for you, it is simple sevorah that you should compensate them.Obviously, you need to look at the effort – when someone simply matches by height and ratio of hat diameter to skirt length – he is not deserving much of compensation.
And Sephardim do not charge for the mitzvah at all. (like with rabanut, you should be able to charge for the missed professional time).
This is quite amusing. It is actually intriguing. I mused about this for a bit, and just imagined a conspiracy to prolong dating to milk the system. Shadchanim would abandon Chassidishe shidduchim, as fewer dates would hurt their bottom line, and go with Litvish/Yeshivish ones where extended dating is more acceptable. Perhaps there could be surcharges for disclosing information held secret. If we get creative, we could come up with a huge scenario of entertaining ideas. If this thread would take this direction, it would provide some good humor.
If a Real Estate Agent shows you a house,
and you do not buy the house,
do you pay the Real Estate Agent?No, you only pay the Real Estate Agent if you buy the house.
Shadchanim are like Real Estate Agents;
they should only be paid if they make a wedding.Many of us struggle financially,
so we do not need is a new system
where shadchanim get paid for every date.Rabbi Chananya Weissman suggested that
shadchanim should pay Jewish singles
$20 per date, to avoid wasting their time
on inappropriate random dates.As someone who has tried to set up a number of people, I don’t think this is a good idea. It is hard enough to get people to even go out on a first date (and to try a 2nd date, if possible). If they had to pay per date, I believe people would be less likely to actually agree to a date.
If you look at the statistics on the 10kbatayyisroel site right now:
34,235 SHIDDUCH SUGGESTIONS
3,820 FIRST DATES — 11.1% of shidduch suggestions led to a first date — that means of every 100 suggestions, almost 90 don’t even get to a first date
331 ENGAGEMENTS — 8.6% of first dates led to an engagement, 0.97% of shidduch suggestions (less than 1%)Nonsense. I’d gladly pay for my daughter who is in shidduchim for 3 – 4 years to go out on a date. And I assure you that hundreds if not thousands of other parents with older daughters would gladly do the same
@square root
Your logic is so farkrumpt, its scary. If you can’t afford to pay a shadchan $100 per date to marry off your dearest child, how do you expect to make a wedding which cost $30k – $60 k????????
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