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We all have things we want to correct in order to BE the most ideal spouse for someone.Some of us want to shed those pounds,others want to get rid of a bad habit/midah or two…
My question is:Before pursuing a life partner,should we DE-FLAW first?What if it’s taking too long?
First of all, it’s a life-long endeavor. One can get rid of and keep off weight; one doesn’t “get rid” of a bad middah, ok on to the next.
Just be open to the possibilities even if you’re not “there” yet; in a good healthy situation the chosson/husband and kallah/wife bring out the best in each other.
And BTW, you’re equating a bad middah with excess weight??!?
Eclipse
There are certain flaws that get in the way of finding a spouse or keeping one. Those need to be worked on no matter how long it takes and if its taking really long its likely that the person isn’t going about it the best way. Its not easy to change bad habits or middos but if one is persistent and throws themselves behind the self improvement project they can change a middah in a matter of months. In essence its about changing how you think which leads to how feel and how you act….
It takes a lifetime to come close to perfection, but your comment is the perfect example of an excuse not to try. We must start on that road of working on ourselves and then once we are really on that road, we can look to get married/remarried. Most people don’t want to even try -some delude themselves that they are trying. Just an example -“I’m losing weight -I’ve lost ten pounds in the last three months.” This person isn’t trying. // “I’ve had bypass surgery (or gastric band), but I’ve only lost ten pounds.” This person is trying and is on a good path. Not everyone who has surgery is ultimately successful, but it helps put you on the right path.
Sorry, I seem to be batting 0 for 0 this morning ;-(
Weight gain is NOT a bad middah. As long as you are still below a size 4.
eclipse
Im not a marriage counselor nor am I married so I cant say for a fact what would make someone unsuited as a spouse but there are certain basic traits that cause most marriage problems.
Being selfish or uncompromising
Insensitive to others
Anger issues
Control issues
Low self esteem (depends how low) or lack of confidence in self an abilities
Overly critical or judgmental
Unforgiving (bearing grudges)
Aloofness or closed emotionally
Unable to admit wrong or apologize
Disloyal or untrustworthy
I could go on, but since you were once married you can answer a lot better than I can and Im sure you know that many of the things I mentioned can be major factors in marriage so if any has a problem in the above areas it must be worked on before marriage.
I’m not even going to go into the part about being overweight, but regarding a person who is looking to fix his middos: A person can certainly try to fix some negative middos or bad habits before marriage, but in all honesty, marriage is the best middos school in the world, so if a person is, for example, a little selfish, living with and being dependent on another person will help solve that problem.
eclipse-
“How do people manage to misread me??
(metabolism is not always in one’s control)
Health; Re:”excuse not to try”?If you read my post SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY,you will see that my question is:
Since it often takes time to correct a midah/lose weight…perhaps it isn’t feasible to wait until then to begin dating,or nobody would ever be absolutely “ready”.”
Firstly, I did answer that question – you should be on the proper path before looking for a spouse. Secondly, if you read my post carefully -I didn’t say you used that comment as an excuse, but that it is used for an excuse by many.
“(metabolism is not always in one’s control)”
Almost always is within the person’s control. This is also very often used as an excuse, but again I don’t know if you are using it as an excuse!
Weight is always within one’s control.
Just eat less calories than you burn.
Metabolism just means how much you usually burn. If you are burning less, you need less.
Popa bar Abba is certainly one to know…
Health, there are a lot of people, especially women, who are walking around with undiagnosed or inadequately treated endocrine problems, such as thyroid and PCOS. Until they get educated and start demanding proper treatment from their doctors, have rachmanus.
Tzippi
Excuses. Maybe a few. For every 1 there’s 50 who have undiagnosed Fressmyfacewithfatteningfoodsandnoshitis!
Flaws are ok; its what make us human.
We need to de-claw. Those make us inhumane.
Tzippy -Noone has to demand treatment from medical professionals. If someone is feeling slugish and can’t stand the cold -let them get a blood test called TSH (Tests thyroid function). I’ll give you hypothroidism, but not PCOS. PCOS only a woman can have. It’s true that these patients are classically obese, but one of the treatments for PCOS is to lose weight!
Health, people need to get a full thyroid panel. Doctors don’t know how to interpret the TSH, and some even say up to 10 is normal and it won’t be flagged on a bloodtest.
Tzippi -You’re wrong you don’t need the panel for screening. Here is the reference range for TSH: Adults: 0.5-4.7 microunits/mL (0.5-4.7 milliunits/L) Some say till 5. I don’t know who would call 10 normal, but if anyone would they need to be reeducated!
There is serious discussion to move the upper range down to 3 with further testing (i.e. the full panel) with symptoms and a TSH above 2. I’ve hung out on thyroid boards and seen a lot of people with a “normal” TSH, i.e. near 5 who are miserable. Guess what they found out when they had the FT4 and FT3 done…
Tzippy – Near 5 -which way? below or above? 4.7 is the cutoff acc. to a good % of professionals. Right now the medical community hasn’t accepted 3, if there are those that hold that. Again anyone with symptoms should be further tested, even if the screening test was within normal limits. But the TSH is a great screening tool for thyroid problems. You obviously don’t understand the purpose of a screening test. So I would say maybe there is 1 in a million who are obese because of hypothyroid and it can’t be detected by the TSH test.
Anybody who will screen with the whole thyroid panel is wasting health dollars. In our day and age, if you waste money on non-necessary tests, there won’t be enough money for the necessary things that people need from the medical field!
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