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Are girls forced to compromise (i.e. for a smoker or similar) in shidduchim, since there are too many girls in shidduchim and not enough guys to marry them all? Do guys really hold all the cards now?
I could see coercing a girl into marrying a boy who is a year younger than her or an inch shorter, if all else (middos, hashkafa, ect) is in sync
But smoking? Or another vice? Never.
The guys may think they hold the cards, but when push comes to shove, the smart girls are the ones that did not compromise
can i ask why is everyone always talking about the girls compromising?
If the guy is arrogant then he thinks he holds all the cards,
But, most guys that I know or that i’m friends with don’t feel or think that they hold all the cards
They’re also going through some hardships of dating
Cedarhurst:No one holds the cards.
It SEEMS like the guys hold the cards,just like it SEEMS like lies are going to swirl around about me forever…
HASHEM HOLDS THE CARDS.
He just makes situations APPEAR HIGHLY DAUNTING, SO THAT WE WILL TURN TO HIM.
if thats the case they should definitely compromise on something like smoking
people gotta lay off the smokers. There are plenty of self-destructive behaviors out there like going to college or marrying fat girls. Smoking’s not all that bad
in every healthy relationship there is compromise, there r no two people who agree on everything in life. compromise is crucial. i just broke up with a guy that i was dating for two month because i was compromising on quite a bit, but then he crossed the line when he mentioned he didnt want to be shomer, that i was NOT compromising on. Everyone has standards and they shouldnt settle for anything less than they deserve.
guys are the smokers
girls are the eating disorder issues.
here’s a new idea. how about taking the persons midos into consideration as one of the most important factors. not does he smoke, not does he wear a hat, not does his mother use a plastic table cloth etc etc
peoples values of important things are so skewed these days
mewho: equating smoking with plastic tablecloths is foolish. they are not in the same category in regard to shidduchim at all.
Me thinks you got…
No one wants to marry an overweight girl either. The same way no one wants to marry smokers
Me thinks- Smoking’s not all bad??? What planet were you born on? Smoking is a leading cause of cancer, heart problems, asthma, emphazema, COPD and early death!
Second hand smoke also kills- many of the problems that occur for the smokers impact the health and quality of life for those around the smoker.
I for one, say NO SMOKERS IN MY HOUSE! I would never marry a smoker and neither would any of my family members!
And halachically, how many leading rabbonim have said that it is assur to start smoking and it is michuyav on current smokers to seriously attempt to stop. I guess if they smoke and aren’t trying to stop do they really care about halacha? Another strike against them…
I would smoke if I was able to tolerate it. It would be my personal protest against the crazy anti-smoking crusaders.
I said what I need to say here:
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/smoking-and-shiduchim
me to popa 😉
Cedarhurst-
….Or the guys will have to quit smoking. And many do before they start dating
yeah from what i’m hearing girls don’t compromise on this so looks like they’ll have to stop…
You make it sound like girls have no say in shidduchim and should marry anyone willing to marry them. I agree that most people settle on something but come on! Girls compromising?? Guys have to compromise too. Like 1dayatatime said, it’s the arrogant guys who feel like they hold all the cars and believe me, lots of girls are turned off by a haughty attitude.
When speaking to many of my married friends i always ask them if they felt they ended up compromising- “of course you compromise” and when asking if they felt bad about it they all say “I couldn’t have gotten a better guy!”—it’s good to associate with happily married couples btw…
Soo there’s your answer yaa both guys and girls compromise but once they get up to the stage of marriage there’s no regrets!!!
With other real life issues compromising is more individual and what the single can handle….With regards to smoking many guys don’t tell and roomates/chavrusas don’t tell either…it’s hard to find out unless you smell evidence!!!
it depends what u feel is comprimising…certain shittos u have u should never comprimise on, however if it is a narishkiet, u will prob realize and do away with it on ur own….
Every soul that enters this world has a zivug. Just have to look for it and not get caught up with narishkeit.
I don’t think it is so much about compromise as it is about realizing what is important and what isn’t. When you find the right person you realize that the things on your list really doesn’t matter. When you find the right zivig height is not really an issue and neither is weight or looks for that matter. To you he is tall enough even though he didn’t match your initial criteria. To you she is thin enough even though she didn’t match your initial criteria. To you s/he is very attractive even though your friends might not think so. YOU can always change from the outside in, but it is so much more difficult to change from the inside out.
So a person can lose or gain a few pounds, change the heel height on their shoes or wear a hat or not, get contacts or change glasses, learn how to put on makeup or buy clothes that suit them better, etc. But you can’t change a person’s personality or midos and that is much more important.
Everyone compromises, the key is to realize that you aren’t really compromising. You are finding someone to share your life with and be boneh a bayis neeman, b’eh. Isn’t that worth a little compromise. No one is perfect!
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