msseeker: When you use say Torah Jews can be stubborn, domineering, demanding, we are not talking about a large leap from abusive. It is a continuum – where stubborn, domineering, demanding ends and abusive behavior begins in a gray line at best. The bottom line is that none of these behaviors fit into what Chazal say “The Kavod of your Chaver should be more dear than your own”. Your spouse should be your closet Chaver, so for sure, so upholding his/her Kavod should be the utmost priority in marriage. When you examine the types of behaviors I provided as examples of psychological abuse (above), they are the ultimate opposites of upholding the opposite’s Kavod. One thing to me is quite certain: that learning Torah alone, without rigorous Mussar reinforcement, will not in of itself prevent young men or women from falling into this trap, since there are many forms of Negios (ulterior needs or motives) that can enable a person to act totally against the Torah’s moral code, while even thinking that he/she is doing a Mitzvah (i.e thinking that it his/her “duty” to speak harshly to his/her spouse for whatever crazy reason he/she may dream up; See Reb Chatzkel Levenstain ZT”L in Sefer Ohr Yechezkel who explains this idea much better than I can, with regard to the death of Rebbi Akiva’s talmidim “for they did not afford Kavod one to another”). Reb Chatzkel explains that the only antidote from falling into this trap is to learn Mussar assiduously.
My question that I hope someone can shed light on is: What makes a person act abusively (or even near-abusively) to their spouse? It is not just an academic question – the answer to this question may provide the solution in reengineering our way of Chinuch of pre-marital youngsters so that they safely guard themselves against acting in such a manner. Is it because one spouse is insecure, so putting down the other raises his/her own image, R”L? – I don’t buy this since I always had low self-esteem and never would dream of acting abusively to my spouse. So I can’t figure it out. One thing I know for sure is that somehow the abusive people (very often) somehow restrain these tendencies until after the Chasunah (even act super nice before the Chasunah), so the abused spouses are totally taken for a loop, not having had any idea before the Chasunah that this would happen (if they had some warning before, maybe they could have saved themselves, unless they were blinded as well). I would love to hear people’s input on this – mostly so that the Mosdos of Chinuch (and parents) could help youngsters work on preventing themselves from becoming abusers or abused.