Lomed Mkol Adam: You and I could argue from “Heint Biz Morgin” on whether there exists a meaningful correlation between deep-seated insecurity and emotionally abusive behavior to spouses (I doubt a clear correlation exists), but we would still make zero headway in solving this community problem. For if my hypothesis is correct, even in very secure people, there exists underlying Middos Raos, which (in my opinion) is one of the key causal factors of emotionally abusive behavior. Examples of such Middos Raos may be selfishness (i.e. unable to see beyond our own needs), arrogance (i.e. thinking I am always right, so the other person must be at fault) and also a lack of Emunah in Hashem that He sees and knows all and can take care of all our needs if only we engage in acceptable behaviors Bein Adom L’Chaveiro. Take for example – what would drive a spouse to say to the other, in front of others, that he/she is unable to do anything right – it is a feeling of entitlement that I can say what I want when I want to, I deserve to get what I want when I want it, and I am totally not responsible for the crushing effect on the other’s feelings. This derives from a combination of arrogance, selfishness and the lack of belief that Hashem can help make it all work out. Very little of these Middos Raos have anything to do with insecurity.
I maintain that very focused and modeled behavior clinics must be presented in Mosdos Chinuch to show what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And this must be reinforced by Limud Mussar which teaches people how to “attack” and refine deep-seated Middos Raos. What we really need is to hear from Rabbonim who counsel and listen to people who are going through this.