TAOM – Please stop putting yourself down like that! Don’t dwell on how you could have been a better person, rather look forward to becoming the person you know you can be. Try changing your mindset just a little. As they say, hindsight vision is 20/20 – you can see exactly how you could have acted differently and then you dwell on it so much you can’t move forward…I know the feeling, been there too many times.
If you feel you didn’t get closer to Hashem at all since Chanuka, be thankful that at least you’re not further away from Him (I’m assuming that because of why you said you weren’t here in 2 weeks) and work on getting closer NOW! Try taking on a small kabbala that is meaningful to you, that will make you feel connected. Even something so small can make the difference. Personally, there is one non-jewish song that I really love. Being that I stopped listening to that type of music approximately 2 years ago, I was able to get around it by getting my friend to professionally record it for me so I could listen to it. (My belief is that a non-jewish song sung by a Jewish singer is not as bad as the original because of the improper thoughts that are absent when a Jewish singer sings that same song…) Anyways, I recently felt inspired enough to take the song off of my “favorites” playlist, which I have playing on repeat most of the day, and a few days later I was able to fully delete it from my phone. Some might say, oh please, that’s just one song…what about all the others you still listen to? My look at it is that there is now one less song that I listen to and that is a step in the right direction no matter how small it is.
TAOM – Listen, I really don’t know you, but look at how far you have come since last year. So if the last 2 months weren’t the greatest, make the next to the best that it could be! You know you have it in you!