Reply To: Vicarious Accomplishment of Women

Ben Levi,

“But I suspect that you don’t really have sources.

Isuspect that your reply will be something along the line’s of I feel….So I feel….and that’s why I feel…..”

I meant that I have sources for the popular “Torah” hashkafos I am mentioning. I was not referring to anything else.

As for my own conclusions, some are based on sources. Some are not. But one thing I am sure about. The current “hashkafos” I am mentioning are not based on Torah any more than my puny own conclusions. The more I learn, the more I see how some frum hashkafos simply parrot contemporary hahkafos in a way that they lag behind. Once the hashkafa becomes part of the frum dogma, ppl use sources in ways they’ve never been used before to defend it.

For the clearest example of this that is relevant to this thread read the “Feminine Mystique” by Betty Freidan and then read all the polular hashkafa for women, from Rav Pincus (ko tomar l’bais yakov), to Rav Miller, the marriage books… and hebrew ones if u’d like (Ha’ish M’kadesh – guide for the married ben torah – he says that if your wife asks you what to make for dinner and you tell her: “Whatever you want…” you’re insulting her, because she sees her entire essence as nurturing you and giving you the oppotunty to learn torah; how dare you not take interest in something so important to her?”)

If you are astute and read critically, which I’m sure you do, you will notice a pattern. The jewish hashkafos simply imitate the non-jewish ones, albeit in a way that lags behind, say 10-20 years.

The non-jewish world proclaimed in the 50’s: “If a woman pursues a career agressively and does not devote her creative energies fully to the ‘career of the home’ she will be frustrated.” Read up. They were all into the “separate” spheres of men and women and homemaking was the ultimate fulfillment a woman can achieve.This was the opinion of many sociologists, psychologists and anthropologists.

Now come the frum 20 or more years later, but of course everything is dressed in frum language:

The “mehus” of the “ishah” is in the home. That’s her glorified “tafkid”. If she tried to be like a man (why intellectual endeavor and achievment are masculine I don’t know) she is messing with the “briah” [she will be frustrated]… a man has his tafkid, a woman has hers… and each needs to do his own to be happy”

Do you realize this is coming straight out of American magazines of the baby-boomer generation?

The ideas correlate WAY to closely for it to be coincindence.

I’m sorry to hear about your medical condition.

I didnt mean to poke at you that you live in a bubble, and I apologize if that came across harshly. But I think that if what I am expressing seems very unique or odd or you can’t understand why I am frustrated at these hahskafos which I think are no good, then perhaps you are not in touch with how women around you feel. You dont like the word feel. Okay, think.

You think I’m an oddball and “Nah, not many women are like that.” And that I have some sort of “problem” that I can’t accept my tafkid. But the MAJORITY of women I know express similar frustrations (of course, some do so very quietly because of peer pressure)in one way or another. You have been conditioned to think that most women will be happy/fulfilled being solely homemakers because it’s their “tevah”. But it’s just not true. Just like many men would feel unfulfilled having a career at home only, many women do. We are not all that different when it comes to this.

Do you think I am complaining because I have nothing to do with my life and I want to kvetch? or rebel?

No. I am frustrated at silly ways of thinking that stymie the intellectual and creative fulfillment of women for no good reason other then being stuck in the american mindset of the baby-boomer generation. And I want to make it heard because there are thousands more like me out there. Just look for them.

It’s you next-door neighbor who regrets every day that she didn’t finish college. It’s your cousin who never went to law school because when she dated her husband, he didn’t like the idea. It’s you friend wife who gave up her dream of becoming ______________ because _______________ (fill in with a million frum reasons). Somehow, three quarters of these reasons dont apply to men. And most women don’t look back and say: “Wow, I’m so happy I gave it up…” Usually, there’s a lot of brewing resentment.

We are fortunate to live in a generation where electricity and appliances greatly reduce the time women need to spend on homemaking. Unless, of course, we teach them that making three-course suppers and seven different kugels for shabboss in more important than pursuing an intellectual/creative outlet.

Having a career doesn’t mean you can’t have a family. I know many women who combine both and I truly respect them for both endeavors. But then again, they do not make seven kugels for shabboss.