When I don’t know what to say, or if I do not know the niftar personally but do know the aveil, I will typically express my deep sadness for the pain and loss they are going through, and (in the case of parental death) that although I was not privileged to have met the niftar, I can see what a wonderful person he/she must have been just by knowing the type of children he produced. In the case of the loss of a child, R”L, there is simply NOTHING that can be said. Sometimes all that can be done is to sit and cry with the parent. NEVER EVER EVER EVER say, “I know how you must feel,” even if YOU suffered an equivalent loss. Each person’s pain is owned by him or her alone. None of us can possibly know what another person feels. We each perceive loss in a different way, despite our commonalities. Even two children who lost the same parent, do not experience the loss in exactly the same way.
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