Naysberg: i tried to make it short, but it doesn’t make sense short. Basically, I grew up very far from Yiddishkeit, very far. In other words, we identified as Jewish in Russia, but when we moved to America and lived around goim in middle america, my parents were even ok with me marrying a goy, for example, at least that is what they said (as long as he was a good person). (In Russia they would have not been happy about it– in America it no longer really mattered,the lines got really blurred)
Also, silly comments were made in jest about my mother’s side of the family because they were from Poland way back, and my father was from the Ukraine. Well, jokes should be made carefully… enough said.
Somehow for whatever reason I got into my head that possibly my mother’s side was Polish (not Jewish). My mother knew nothing about her grandmother… no pictures could be found, nothing. When i started to become observant, I asked if my grandmother was Jewish and the answer I got was ” yes, i guess she was. we never asked questions like that, what difference does it make? Blah Blah… no one could confirm if my grandmother was or was not Jewish…Not knowing anything about my great grandmother and having no records, no photos, I went to talk to someone that I thought could resolve this issue. Unfortunately I talked to someone who knew very little(that is all i want to say) and he said that of course, I need a giur. It was crazy for me. I went to a class where I was the only Jewish person and everyone else in the process of conversion. It was a major culture shock to me. Imagine, i was just becoming observant and it did not take much to freak me out at that time. My husband and I wanted to have a chuppa and everything was stalled. Finally, Boruch Hashem we went to talk to a Talmid Chochum, a world renowned posek in these matters… only we could not reach him or catch him… you know min Ha’Shamaim this escapade went on for almost a year. (that is a whole other story) Someone told us actually that people wait years to see this Rav (all nonsense)… anyway, one night my mother was going through old things and she found a photo of her grandmother with the most JEWISH name, with the most Jewish face, and in the morning my husband and I went to the Rosh Yeshiva who was to set me free. I remember him looking at the photographs and the name on the back(we had lost information about the last name as well!) with unbelievable concentration and saying ” There is no question.. these are Jewish people, there is no need for a giur safek (which was an option that we were looking at at the time. Ten years later I think of these words and I get shivers! Talk about a yeshua. We could finally go on with our lives, have a chuppah, a true jewish marriage… etc…. You can suffer in whatever situation you are in, and then in one minute it is all resolved. All my brothers and sisters should have yeshuas min hashamaim like this!
Also, if it were not for this nisayon, I would not have had the opportunity to say that no matter what, however i get there, through birth or conversion, I WILL be a Jew! Perhaps in some ways it was also a kapparah for all the years that I took my Jewishness for granted…