@ shopping613, that was beautifully written. Irs obvious that whatever you went through helped you to become a person with a mature outlook. Good for you that you turned obstacles into triumphs.
@keep climbing, I seriously felt your raw pain when i read your post. Youre very upset. I agree with you about what you said about doing jewish things when youre depressed. You feel like you were cheated in life by hashem because you seem to struggle more than anyone else.
However, im sure that there are some mitzvos that you feel more of a connection to. Try excelling in those and thatll hopefully extend to you being able to do other mitzvos that you find harder.
Being a guy and crying arent mutually exclusive. Good for you that you cry. Thats the healthiest way to release all your anger and sadness. Dont feel sorry that you cry.
Nobody is given a life that they cant handle. Im not just preaching. Im telling you that based on my own experience. At the time it seems impossible but once its over, hashem makes it up to you.
I once saw a quote that says: whats impossible? Its really saying im possible.” Youre not a failure or anything of that sort. Youre getting stronger with each challenge that you face.
I cant answer why your life is the way it is. I wish I had the power to make it better. I actually have some amazing rabbis in seminary this year and I plan on asking them some of your questions. Ill write their answers as soon as I get them.
In the meantime, try to focus on your good qualities. Take one day at a time and make the most of each day.
I still say that you should tell your parents. Writing a letter might be a good idea because sometimes we can express ourselves in writing in a way that we can’t when we speak.
Wishing you luck. Im thinking of you all the time. Please keep me posted