Reply To: Almost 30- is it too late for me to even try?

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am truly grateful and humbled that each of you took the time to read about my situation and give your honest advice. Your encouragement has renewed my faith in my spiritual exploration at this stage in my life.

I suppose I should also mention I am a woman, which is probably why shidduch is a particular concern (from the religious friends I have spoken to, I understand that there are significantly more single women than men in the religious world). I have many other fears, such as estrangement from my secular family, who I am very close to (and who sadly have a very “typical” secular opinion of Orthodox Judaism), but that’s a whole other can of worms. I think perhaps all these worries are creating walls around me, and that is why I am unable to cultivate a strong enough faith to move forward.

In spite of it all, however, I do feel a growing desire to become a true bat Yisrael and return to something that I feel was lost to me. I still remember how awestruck I was when I attended my first Orthodox kabbalat shabbat, and I saw people so connected, so fully immersed in their joy of G-d that they were literally shaking (or ‘shucking’, as my religious friends later told me it was called :-P). I still remember wondering what it must feel like to experience this tremendous, indomitable faith. I think it I had it, matters like shidduch and schools and family quarrels and any other future challenges I’d face would seem trivial in comparison.

When I was in Israel I met some non-Jews who were converting insincerely, just so they could marry their Jewish Israeli boyfriends or girlfriends, without any real faith or plans to live an observant Jewish life afterwards. That is just not me – I could never go ahead with something as massive as conversion if I wasn’t prepared to leap in with both feet and real, genuine faith.

I have tried speaking to G-d lately, which is completely new thing for me. I don’t speak Hebrew or even know how to pray properly. In truth, I don’t really know how to faith at all. Maybe as I learn more about the teachings, faith will follow. In the mean time, I have derived some comfort from this quote from Psalm 119:18, which I find myself turning to again and again:

“Open my eyes, that I may see the wonders of Your Torah.”

Thank you all so much again for your replies, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate them. 🙂

Lila tov!