Wolf, I, too, am sorry for your loss. For the record, I happened to be at Rav Moshe Tuvia Lieff’s derasha on leil acharon shel Pesach. After discussing the various opinions and rationales, his ruling was that in the absence of a clear family minhag to refrain from saying Yizkor, one should recite Yizkor even during the first year.
I think we would do well to remember that this is a debate, not a fight. We can have a spirited discussion without impugning each other’s stature. ??? ?????.
Of course, in E”Y or any place which has a prevailing minhag hamakom, that minhag is the norm to which all individuals are bound to adhere. It is important to realize that the reason individuals follow those minhagim is not that they appeal to the emotions (or logic) of the congregant, but that Halacha demands this degree of conformity.
It is true that no such overriding minhag exists in [most communities in] the US, which leads to the great diversity of minhagim that exists here.
Ignorance of your family minhag on my part serves at best as an indication that my family does not share that minhag. There is no reason for this to cause any condescension or derision on the part of those whose families do take part in the minhag in question.
In general, the idea of adopting minhagim because of their appeal (whether spiritual or material) represents a fundamental misunderstanding of basic concepts of Judaism.
With regards to adopting minhagim for their material appeal, I think people are so caught up in what it is they are trying to attain, that they do not realize the danger involved in these minhagim and segulos. You can not “trick” Hashem in to granting your fantasy of being wealthy by putting a key in a challah. The segulah-craze (in which people attempt to manipulate Hashem into granting “refuos, yeshuos and parnassa”) which has gripped our noble People of late is lamentably close to avoda zara.
As far as those minhagim whose appeal is spiritual, I think many people do not have a clear idea about the sort of ruchniyus they want to achieve. Our conception of spirituality is based not on what makes us feel spiritual, but on what we are told by Hashem will elevate us into spiritual beings. Without discussing the basis for the particular minhag, it is important to realize that adherence to, and reverence of, our tradition is the keystone of our relationship with HKBH. If we are willing to erode this for the warm, fuzzy feeling of a “nice minhag,” we have compromised the integrity of the entire structure, ch”v.
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