Note that I’m not a Rabbi or expert or anything, just responding to help.
You sound like a spiritual person who is trying to serve G-d to the best of her ability. I don’t know where your journey will take you, but the best way to serve G-d is to try to do good deeds, being kind and merciful. Perhaps you can teach kabbalistic art to underprivileged children, or children from large families, who need attention? Just an idea… G-d bless.