Professor Haym Soloveitchik, in his recent Collected Essays vol. 1. illucidated the concept of yehareg v’al ya’avor (YVLY). Essentially:
1. YVLY means that one allows oneself to be murdered rather than transgress, not that one is “supposed to die”.
2. A Jew is forbidden to murder a Jew, hence, YVLY applies to the threat of murder by a non-Jew.
3. Suicide is forbidden.
From the above, it is obvious that when a contemporary Rav uses the term YVLY regarding these issues (shaking a woman’s hand, etc…), he is using it FIGURATIVELY in order to emphasize the severity of the act and/or the obligation to avoid it. The literal YVLY does not apply in any of these cases.