Sam2-
I feel for you and encourage you to speak to you Rov for proper hashkafic guidance.
If you learn the Halachos, you would see that Halacha requires us to lead a pretty depressing life during the nine days. No clean clothes. No haircuts. No simcha. No dancing or music. Minimizing business down to what is required for bare necessities. We are supposed to take some time out of each day to cry about the Churban….
In strict Halacha (M.B.), there is no leniency for showers. Not even for this coming Shabbos. We are only permitted to wash our head, face, hands, and feet with cold water for Shabbos. No soap or shampoo.
The leniencies were created mainly for our pampered desensitized generation here in America who can not handle the strict halacha. In the previous generation, nobody even asked to take a shower during these days.
I had the privilege to speak to an older lady who lived in Europe. She told me that where she lived, the entire atmosphere was different during the Nine Days. She related that when you walked in the streets of her town during this time period, there was a feeling of sadness, depression, and even fear in the streets. Everyone, even the regular “baal habayis” felt the Churban. They realized what these days mean for our Nation.
So why not the rest of the year? Why just the Nine Days?
The Gemara in Bava Kama 59b relates the followin story.
Eliezer Zeira was walking around the streets of Naharda wearing black shoes. He was wearing the shoes of mourning during the year. When he was asked why he is wearing those shoes, he answered he was mourning the destruction of Yerushalayim. At first, the people from the Beis Medrash of the Reish Galusa were upset at him. They asked him “Are you such an important person that you feel you can mourn the destruction of Yerushalayim all year?” He answered them “Yes. I am a Gavra Rabah!” I am a great man. Then he proved to them that he was a great Talmid Chochom.
There are many different explanations to that Gemara. But one thing is clear. A regular person is NOT ALLOWED to mourn the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash all year. Only a Gavra Rabah can do that. We are only given a small time period each year which we have the opportunity to mourn our great loss.
Perhaps, Chazal were afraid that if we were allowed to mourn all year, we would lose the feeling of sadness that we are supposed to have. We would get so used to the motions, they would be meaningless.
But during this period of time, we are all Gavra Rabas. We are all allowed to mourn the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash. Why let that opportunity go to waste!
Let us remember the famous Shla Hakodesh. We all know that this year, we will not be fasting on Tisha B’av. We do not mourn on Shabbos. We will push off the aveilus until Sunday. But why? Isn’t the Churban Beis Hamikdosh important enough that we should fats on Shabbos!?
The Shla offers an amazing incite. He says every tear we shed over the Churban, is actually building the Beis Hamikdash. When we cry enough and enough tears are collected, the Beis Hamikdosh will be completely built.
But on Shabbos, Binyan is one of the 39 melachos. We are not allowed to build on Shabbos! Therefore we cannot cry on Shabbos. That is why we postpone the mourning until Sunday.
Maybe if we stopped looking how to get out of the aveilus, we would feel the Churban the way we are supposed to. Maybe we would even shed some tears, build the Beis Hamikdosh and get out of this bitter galus quickly!