Reply To: ????? ???? Holiness is restricting unnecessary pleasures – to serve G-d properly

Rav Yitzchok Silberstein, Chashukei Chemed Yoma 2a:

Question: It says in Yevamos 62b) that one who loves his lives as himself and honors her more than himself….will have peace in his tent. The Rambam (Hilchos Ishus 15:19) writes that the Sages commanded that a man should honor his wife more than himself and love her as much as himself. But this requires an explanation as to why they gave such a command since we already are commanded to love our fellow man and a person’s wife is obviously included in this Torah command?

Answer: I asked this question to my brother -in-law Rav Chaim Konievsky and he replied that it was because there are times when a person is not obligated to show love from the Torah command of “love your fellow as yourself.” For example it says in Nida (16b), Rav Shimon bar Yochai said there are 4 things that Gd hates and I don’t like. 1) A person who suddenly enters into his house and surely into the house of another person [because person they are involved in intimate matters – Rashi]. The Maharasha writes, “G-d hates them because these are matters of pritzus (immorality) but regarding himself Rav Shimon just says I don’t love them. That is because it is possible that these things are not pritzus that would justify violating the prohibition of hating another.” Consequently in such a case if the wife suddenly enters into the house then at that moment there is no obligation to love his wife from the aspect of the Torah law of “love your fellow as yourself.” However in regard to the command that is derived from “you will have peace in your tent”- there is still an obligation to love her. Furthermore there is a question regarding what the halachais when a wife sins. There is no longer an obligation to love her from “love your fellow” – in fact the opposite is true and there is an obligation to hate her. Is this rabbinic command “of peace in your tent” still applicable? It would seem that even if there is no mitzva to love her there is still a mitzva to honor her. That is because the obligation to honor her is because of gratitude because she raises the children and saves him from sin. This gratitude is still obligatory even if she sins. Therefore it is correct to honor her and to buy her appropriate clothing – even though she sins. Rav Shmuel Arvah gives an additional answer why there is a special verse to love his wife. It is based on the Maharsha (Shabbos 31a) which explains the answer of Hillel to the goy who wanted to learn the entire Torah while standing on one foot and Hillel replied that what is hateful to you do do to your fellow. The question is why he worded in a negative way that he should be good to his fellow as he is to himself? He answers that the Maharsha says that the verse of “loving your fellow as yourself” only applies to negative commands such as not taking revenge. However not to the positive commands of the Torah to do good to others. That is because your life always comes first. Consequently we can say from the obligation of loving your fellow as yourself – there is no obligation to be good to your wife as to yourself. However from the obligation to honor your wife – there is an obligation to honor [sic] her as yourself.

Translation: R. D. Eidensohn