re oomis: The shadchan’s presence, at least the first few times they go out, is a bracha. It helps the kids maintain their dignity and confidence. Prolonged phone conversations, especially before they meet, can be detrimental. Remember, these are young people who do not have a lot of contact with the opposite sex outside family and maybe close family friends. Even after the first few dates, it’s good for both kids to reserve the right to say, let’s go through the shadchan. Not to get out of saying no, but to say, I need more time to think and I can’t ask you out/say yes right away.
You may feel our kids are too sheltered, and it is your right to raise your children otherwise if you’ve made informed decisions to do so. But B”H my personal experience has been that the sheltering we’ve experienced, and done ourselves, so far works to raise bnei and bnos Yisrael who can funtion in the world. Maybe we’ve given them enough exposure to the world, if not the opposite sexes, to segue into the new stages of interaction when they come up.
About the vetting: yeah, it can get absurd. And there are things people don’t always find out. But before I would let kids meet I would want clear data – where the boy/girl went to school, age, etc. And I would, depending on the data, want to know why the chinuch decisions, changes at whatever stage, etc. were made, if the young man/girl is responsible, personable, and a mentsch. And you need references for that – the shadchan doesn’t have all the info.
I think that the framework we have, if used properly, is really, really good.