Aries, I read through your post and I could hear the pain you and your mother went through at your father’s name not being given to your grandson. I agree that young people blessed with a new neshama to name should be sensitive and try not to cause pain to their parents. And I agree when you say that it’s a good idea to discuss it before the actual naming so there is no surprise and hurt at the simcha. But your friend who will “shut her mouth when she shuts her purse”?! Strongly disagree!
As parents it is our pleasure to help our children, financially and otherwise, even when they’ve flown the nest and are busy building their own. (Maybe especially then?) And when helping them is a burden we feel we can’t manage, of course we should tell them and not make ourselves sick trying to give more than we can. But giving money, gifts, time, does not give us a right to interfere in their lives or meddle in their issues. I just don’t see the connection. If it makes you happy, give them gifts, give them cash, but remember to give them the gift of independence!
And by the way, when I serve my husband a nice dinner, I don’t tell him either that he can only eat if he takes the garbage out afterwards. And when he helps me out or indulges me with a gift, he doesn’t make it contingent on my reciprocating by providing goods or services. Economic models work well when arranging cash flow analyses and budgeting. Loving relationships exist on a separate plane.