A conversation in another thread got me to open a sefer. I wanted to share what I found.
Rav Pam (in the Atara L’Melech) has a whole thing on Shidduchim. In it he has a section in “looks”
R’ Bechaye says one should not marry someone for their looks. On this, Rabbanim ask: But we see in Beraishis that the Imahos were praised for their beauty! By Rivka it says “??? ???? ???” and by Rochel it says “????, ????, ???-???, ???? ????” Yet, on the other hand, Shlomo HaMelech writes ??? ???, ???? ????!
R’ Pam says answers the apparent contradiction by stating that beauty is the equivalent to the number zero. On its own, it is valueless. However, when preceded by a one or a two, it enlarges the number immensely. ??? ???, ???? ????: ??? ????-?’, ??? ?????. When there is ????-?’ that is like having a one. and when the ???? ???? is there, then a zero is placed after the one, enlarging the number, giving it greater importance.
By an esrog, everyone knows there is a din of Hiddur. But that is not the main characteristic. The main characteristic should be nikius, cleanliness. So too in shidduchim (R’ Pam states specifically by women, could be since the shiur was to bochrim) the main Ma’alah (characteristic) to look for is nikius ha’daas and nikius ha’nefesh (a straight person with straight thoughts, hashkafos) as well as middos straight, and pure. Beauty is just an additional plus.
(written at 2:25am in Yerushalayim, but I could not go to sleep without posting this vort [but I can go to sleep without proofreading, so I apologize in advance]. Yashrus, hope to read your contribution after I daven Shachris)