This following article appeared in numerous nationwide publications:
If i was asked to give it a title i would call it
Age Gap for Dummies
here goes…
Shidduch Crisis- Explained
Recently there has been some discussion and request to lay out the hard facts of the shidduch crisis. Here they are:
Definition of the problem:
The number of Orthodox non-chassidishe young women who have been dating five years or longer and are still single is greater – by the thousands – than the number of Orthodox non-chassidise young men who have been dating five years or longer.
That single statement defines the shidduch crisis.
It is difficult, if not impossible, to perform an accurate head count for numerous reasons, and there might be some people who would thus choose to be in denial about the above statement.
However, conversations with people involved in shidduchim, ranging from shadchanim and roshei yeshiva to principals and those running frum dating sites, indicate that the above statement is painfully and tragically true.
Unfortunately, it is painfully obvious that they simply don’t exist in mass numbers. Of course, there are some young men who have been dating for more than five years and are still single, but the number of such young men is miniscule when compared to the number of young women in that category.
So those are facts.
But it tragically is.
Is there anyone out there who denies this reality?
Anyone?
Having established clearly that in our communities we find the sad situation of the number of young women who have dated 5+ years and are still single outnumbers the young men who have dated 5+ years and are single by the thousands the question that begs to be asked is
HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE.
Are there hundreds of more girls born every year than boys?
Do hundreds of boys die before they reach shidduch age?
Do hundreds more boys than girls off the derech never to return and marry within the community?
The answer is no no and no.
So how could it be?
The answer is as follows.
Step one:
Yes or No
Even if every girl is poor, not pretty etc, there is simply no way for more boys on the island to get married than girls.
Step two:
If on that island at the beginning of the year instead of 100 girls and 100 boys, we place 150 girls and 100 boys,
How many girls will FOR SURE be unmarried at the end of the year?
Obviously 50
If some of the guys choose not to get married, then for every unmarried guy, there will be another unmarried girl. If 20 guys are still single then 70 girls will be single.
But no matter what, 50 girls will NOT get married.
Even if every girl is rich, pretty with personality and every other silly thing that is perhaps valued in shidduchim, a minimum of 50 are NOT getting married.
Step 3:
Which grade is larger counting both boys and girls
Kindergarten or 3rd grade
Which grade is larger, 5th grade or 9th grade.
5th for the same reason as above
Which is larger 9th grade or 12th grade,
5th for the same reason as above
We have now established that the younger grades of both boys and girls is far larger than the older grades.
But how does that create the shidduch tragedy?
Step 4:
At what age do boys-non chasiddishe- (in the US) start shidduchim 22/23
So if in the year 2012 every girl on her 19th birthday gets a passport to Shidduch Island and every boy in 2012 on his 23 birthday get a passport to shidduch island,
Question: in 2012 on shidduch island are the number of girl/boys who come onto the island the same or are there more of one gender.
Hopefully by now every reader understands, that there are more young wome entering shidduch island. MANY more.
Well next year a who new shipment of boys come to shidduch island, but a whole new shipment of girls comes as well, and once again the new girls outnumber the new boys by a few hundred each new year.
Disclaimer: the numbers 100 young men/150 young women were illustrative only. In reality, it is approximately 2200 young women entering shidduch island each year and 2000 young men.
This dear reader is what has been ongoing in our community year after year after year for way to long, with somewhere in the vicinity of 200 girls per returning from seminary – condemned to never get married.
But this is only the beginning.
Can you even begin to imagine the sheer terror of a young woman and her family when she realizes her current situation in life.
Which girls will be the unlucky 200 from 2012? No one knows. Certainly many silly factors play into which girls perhaps have a better chance to be from the lucky 2000 instead of the tragic 200. But all those factors simply determine which girls will be sacrificed they don’t change at all how many.
I think now we can agree that it is high time our community took this issue seriously- VERY seriously.
The good news is that there is a real viable and implementable solution to this problem. It has the capability to greatly eradicate the problem going forward that no young women coming home from seminary should suffer what their older sisters/neighbors/relatives have and continue to. In addition it will afford many new shidduch opportunities to large numbers of the young women who have been dating for quite a few years and are still single.
All that is needed to make it happen is an iron clad commitment on the part of the community to get it done. We need a sense of urgency to insist that we will no longer allow our daughters to suffer.
Baruch Hashem, recently there has been a awakening in the community as more people have begun to give this issue the importance that it requires. YES there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately we haven’t reached the point that the hamon am is on board and determined to change the current situation.
When we do we will save thousands of girls.