Hi Syag! I always enjoy reading your posts, so forgive me for daring to join in the fray-
I understood you were saying that meeting through suggestions of family members and friends is often more productive in the long term, and enjoyable in the short term. And I have to agree.
But I don’t know how Joseph knows that “most marriages come from non-professional rather than professional shadchanim”. Have we done a scientific study? Or are we working under the influence of gut feelings and anecdotal evidence? (If yes- bad idea.)
And I think what bothered DY, and admittedly myself as well, was your statement that it’s “just irritating to hear the odd implications that it’s ‘unyeshivish’ or invalid” to meet without a professional shadchan. Who ever implied or said out right or made mention of such an idea? Here in the CR or out in the real world?
In fact it’s common practice to have relatives or acquaintances redt a shidduch, even in very Chassidish or Yeshivish circles. (You may get a different response when the two parties meet on their own. And don’t get me wrong- I personally am not casting aspersions, slinging mud, or otherwise denigrating or belittling ANYBODY! Just saying it’s not common practice in some circles…)
I also wanted to (hesitantly, bem’chilas k’vodaich) comment on the wicked shadchan who suggested that a young lady color her grey hair. It’s not really a horse show. But there is (unfortunately? or realistically? please choose an adverb you find applicable) a similarity. At a horse show, part of the criteria involve the good looks of the horses. When a man and woman are deciding to spend their lives together, one of the criteria (that you cannot remove from the equation no matter how far in the sand you choose to bury your head) is the attraction they feel for each other based on how they look.
The determination of what lengths a person wishes to go to in the way they present themselves is different for each individual:
Wear make up? don’t want to? neatly pressed shirt tucked in? ketchup stains? high heels? polished shoes? designer silk? polyester? false eyelashes? nothing false whatsoever? You decide.
But if a brave and well-meaning shadchan, friend, or maybe even parent, tries to make a suggestion, please don’t be upset. And, as mentioned, the final decision of how to dress up (or dress down) is for the young man or woman to make on their own.
I am definitely NOT suggesting that people should choose whom to marry based solely on appearance. What I am suggesting is that it’s equally foolish to pretend that appearance doesn’t matter at all, or to refuse to put oneself forward in a pleasing manner, or to take offense when a suggestion is made in that area.