Wolf, I have deep respect for your candor and objectivity. I also identify with much of what you describe. Along with the sense of inadequacy and hypocrisy, I, too, am confrontation averse, and loathe the thought of telling a total stranger that he is doing the wrong thing.
When I described to my Rav something I had seen (the particular case involved an invalid manner of wearing Tefillin), he told me that I had an unequivocal obligation to inform the other person that he was doing the wrong thing, or that I would be held responsible for his wrongdoing. No amount of protest and revulsion could change this Psak.
The next time I witnessed someone doing the wrong thing, I forced myself to do what my Rav had said I must do, and was astounded to find that: 1) It was difficult, but not as hard as I had imagined, 2) The other person actually appreciated that I was trying to help him, and 3) Nobody attacked me for being the hypocrite that I am [other than myself]. I subsequently learned that it does not get easier to do (at least for me).
Please consider that your Tochacha is very valuable and important, and that you could potentially be included in the category of ???? ???? ????.