I’ve been thinking about this, and I’m trying to formulate my feelings… maybe someone can help me. I find it harder to appreciate those who I am jealous of. I am jealous of Lomdei Torah. I wish I could be in kollel. I wish I could live that life. For some reason, and I can’t really explain why, it’s harder for me to say “thank you” and “you are so lucky, I wish I was you” at the same time. Why are these somewhat mutually exclusive in my mind? It’s the same way with a really wealthy person giving a lot of money. I appreciate what he’s doing, but that is somehow tempered by the wish to have the financial ability to make that same kind of donation myself.
A soldier, on the other hand, is not someone I am jealous of. I do not want the basic training or the sleepless nights. I do not want the physical, psycholgical or emotional toll. I do not want the fear that my life is on the line. I do not want to kill or watch my fellow soldiers be killed. There is nothing about the soldier’s life that I want in mine. The soldiers are doing the job that is so selfless in my mind… they are doing it completely in my place. They are doing the job that I choose not to do, and that I am afraid of doing.
My appreciation is so much stronger for those who play the roles that I don’t want to play, than for those who play the roles I wish I could play. Does that make sense?