(tell me if Im explaining the right thing)
A. if you follow Torah and someone gets hurt (as in the hand shaking scenario) that is too bad because there was no other way to handle it. Halacha is the priority, not how the man will feel.
B. If you follow Torah and someone gets hurt but it’s because of the way you chose to observe the halacha, and not because of the halachas inherent dictates, (the bad middos display at the table), then it isn’t okay becuase the Torah could have been observed just as strictly without the poor middos.
Now imagine B has already ocurred:
You have some people saying that the bad middos are not bad middos at all because they were a part of observing the mitzvah.
you have other people who are saying that it was a gross display of bad middos EVEN THOUGH it was obligatory to not give the presents to the non-jew. These people are being mistaken for those who say that we shouldn’t make goyim (or anyone) feel bad ever regardless of halacha.
The quest for proper middos when observing halacha is often mistaken by some as a quest for kinder halachos or ‘feel good’ halachos, and that isnt always the case. I thought you were doing that.