Yossel, you bring up many good points and a different perspective on the matter. However, when we think of a teen-at-risk, you have to understand that their behaviors and actions are usually of a result of incredible turmoil that is building up within. Yes there is a choice that they are making on some level (whether to rebel, attention seeking, or other) but it is only because they are looking for a way out of their misery and pain.
Imagine, Chas V’shalom, a child who is hit by a car and has been permanently affected about it. Do we say to the child, sorry for your pain but there are other family members so you just have to wait your turn? No, as in any family when there is a crisis you stop and do whatever you can to help your child. This child at risk may not have been hit by anything physical, but something happened to send this child off the path. Something so harsh, that they can’t face the reality that they are living in. They are looking for an escape. They are looking for something that doesn’t reject them for whom they are. They are looking to find a place in a world that doesn’t seem to have a place for them.
Plus you never ignore the others. It’s not an easy task by any means (no crises ever is) but as you are dealing with the crises, like any other, you reach out and look for support for yourself and others in the family who may need it at that time.
( More often than not, this is life or death situation. Many of these kids face depression as well. When they are drinking and doing drugs, they are trying to escape the pain. Then there is a very small line between Chas V’shalom overdose, suicide and many other health risks. )
Suggestions of what to do when you encounter such an individual, well what do you do when you meet any person not dressed appropriately? Most of us are already living in a place where we have no control how our neighbors dress. When it’s your own daughter coming down to the shabbos table…..then you get therapy/ family counseling and talk. If it happened already, ask yourself how you reacted when it happened and what affect did it have. Are you able to communicate better after or did the opposite happen? What type of relation ship did you have before? What changed? That while it is possible that 2 wonderful and wholesome people will get a child who rebels, statistics show otherwise. When it reaches this point something had to have happened (whether in the home or outside) and her coming to the shabbos table dressed like that is the least of your worries. However, don’t forget you are the parent and this is your table and there are rules that have to be established/followed. You have to think it through how you wish to implement it, but you have to find away to stand your ground without getting into a confrontation. This is where family counseling comes in. They can set up as a neutral party to speak on your behalf when they are at a stage where they are not able to listen. When you pick your battles and your daughter sees that your rules are consistent and fair she will respect you for it, although she may not follow it.
I think the key is to do what you can before this happens. Look at the family situation, are our kids sending out signals that things are not so good? Look at the environment, are our kids being treated fairly at school, shul, with their friends? Look at yourself, am I the type of parent that is consistent, fair, and open minded enough to accept differences for the things that are not so important.
Over all I hope you and those reading this don’t perceive this as an attack. I honestly hear your concerns but feel that there is a bigger picture at stake, and we have to deal with that first.