saythatagain, I wrote about that a few posts up. When these teens decide not to be frum, they are often cut off. When they’re home, their parents yell at them. They aren’t in a yeshiva, and their friends very often distance themselves from them. They desperately look for someone who accepts them, and unfortunately, the ones who do are often the teens who are in even bigger trouble, with drugs, etc. When these people justify their feelings, and make them feel accepted, how are they supposed to resist trying to fit in with them more? Nobody else listens to them, nobody treats them well, except for the “druggies”. What do you expect to happen?
If people treated these kids with more respect, and showed them the love they so desperately seek, it wouldn’t happen as much.
As I wrote, I went through a time when I wasn’t frum. A few years after I became frum again, I saw my younger brother start going through the same thing. However, he wasn’t as “smart” as me – he didn’t know how to hide things from our parents as well as I did, and often was in big trouble. I saw what was going to happen – he was terrified of our parents, and was starting to spend time with people who weren’t too great. I started spending a lot of time with him, and had a long talk with my parents. I explained how constantly punishing him, taking away his DVD player and not allowing him to use the computer as punishment, etc. would only backfire. He had friends he could go to. He could go to the library. If he wanted to do these things, they wouldn’t be able to stop him, and they’d only push him farther away. I told my father, “The next time he wants to rent a movie, don’t say no – just tell him you want to know what he’s watching. Even if you don’t approve of it, don’t say anything. You can set rules – don’t expose the younger kids, etc. but don’t just yell and scream. If you do, he’ll watch it by a friend, and just resent you more for it. At his age, you can’t force him not to do it.”
B”H, my brother is now in college, has a part time job, and learns part-time. He won’t sit in kollel, he won’t be the biggest learner – but he’s shomer Shabbos, keeps kosher, and wears a black hat.