Levi123: I’m sorry what has happened to you, your husband and your boys. You bring up many good points that illustrate some of the imperfections of the “Yeshiva world”. Being that I don’t know the details nor do I see any point disagreeing with you out right I do want to share some thoughts on the matter.
For starters the Yeshiva system is not a perfect system. It has grown in many positive ways over the past 50-70 years as the Jewish population (Of America) has grown in large numbers and adapted to a different lifestyle. Many of our parents and grandparents can tell you of a different style of learning that was much more strict and rigid. Yet, and B’H for the most part it continues to improve and adapt to meet the ever changing lifestyles of the Jewish community. However, what many Yeshiva/institutions face is that there isn’t a road map or expert to lead them in the process until the problem is identified. Plus as Yeshiva/Beis Yaakov’s evolve, parents are demanding higher standards in their learning, and are less tolerant on those who may tarnish the institution as a whole.
So while we are looking at the big picture from this angle and the need for these kids to be accepted, there are those who don’t want their kids to be associated with less the “normal” behaviors. There is a very fine line between a school that has a no television policy to a school that shuns and rejects a family that does. I have been involved with a school that actually had parents call up demanding kids in a p’tach like setting NOT be allowed in the mainstream setting. The excuses ranged from being a distraction, the kids will learn poor behaviors, or plain and simple, that the kids are just too different to fit in. (B’H this school did not give in, the teachers went out of their way to incorporate these kids and they all graduated together several years later with a lot of success).
There is another factor of plain economics, where not all Schools have the luxury of training the staff or adding more to incorporate the students who need the extra assistance. It’s nice to have good intentions, but it alone won’t be enough to keep kids stimulated, motivated and productive on an individual level. (This isn’t just learning disabilities, but for the person who isn’t cut out for the full day routine)
To get back to the point. It is easy to put the blame on one particular section (and probably justifiable in some aspects) but change has to be made on all fronts.
– Schools have to have a more open mind, and be sensitive to the proper way to send off a kid who would be best learning elsewhere. This would mean to have a clear and consistent policy for all, and to constantly look out for programs that work so that they can add it to their policy. When a kid is expelled it should only be as a last resort and in the manner that causes the least emotional damage.
– Society needs to recognize the needs of all kids/people, that when one group suffers everyone suffers. There has to be a larger acceptance of all Yiddishkeit regardless of the dress and practices. That a person can be a good person even if he doesn’t wear a hat and jacket, have a full beard, learn in a kollel, or what ever standards sets up. It is possible of showing the beauty of your minhagim without causing prejudice towards others who don’t share that way of life.
– Parents need to be open minded as well and build a solid foundation at home. Look for schools that bests reflect the lifestyle that you live and ask for help when there isn’t one to be found. On one hand, make sure you have a positive attitude towards the school that your kids are in so that they won’t be prejudice against it’s policies. While on the other, communicate with your children and see how they are faring. If a kid is being mistreated, they need a voice and the knowledge that someone cares enough about them.