yitayningwut: I humbly suggest you read the aforementioned (a few comments back) S”A, poskim I cited. i.e. Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah Siman 240:14; Pischei Teshuva Yoreh Deah 240:12, Shu”t Rav Akiva Eiger Siman 68, Shu”t Noda B’Yehuda Mahadura Tinyana Even HaEzer Siman 45 and Chazon Ish Even HaEzer Siman 47 Dibur Hamaschil HaTel, Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah Siman 240:17 and commentary of the Shach. And Chayei Adam Klal 67:17 and footnote to Sefer Chareidim.
Regarding the husband being the captain of the family and the wife assistant captain see Shulchan Aruch EH 69:8.