Sparkly: The question asked “What is a normal age to get married?”
People answered the question with debates about the pros and cons of getting married earlier (late teens), slightly later (early twenties), as well as later according to one’s readiness.
I am not judging “where the problem sets in” here.
I referred to my friend as “religious” to maintain anonymity. I guess that I could have called him simply a “friend.” However I did not. By stating that he was/is “religious” I meant to say that he internalized those teachings and married accordingly.
At that point, I believe that both he and his wife felt ready. Of course “being ready” is not something that I can define, nor ever prove of someone else. Still, there is merit to concept and practice of establishing a partnership, marriage, early on in life. Though I am not one who can personally attest to this. Nonetheless, in healthy relationships/marriages, having one’s spouse’s support, or back, can foster one’s development in new heights.
More explanation:
From the outside at least, he is more religious than I. I have more non-religious friends that are married than vice versa. You asked me if I was not religious. That is a good question that I cannot answer definitively and thank G-d because there is always room for growth.
You said: “I have consistently thought that maybe i would wait to have kids after i got married but the stage im at now i think im ready” (Sparkly).
Are you saying that you are married and no longer want to wait to have children?
… Also, doesn’t Judaism emphasize love coming after marriage? It sounds like there is an assumption that young marriages result with someone marrying someone of whom one “doesnt really like” (Sparkly).
Surely there are plenty of young marriages that were coerced, and/or the spouse turns out to be less compatible than anticipated. Sometimes one feels pressured to marry, and ends up bringing too much baggage into the relationship. There are numerous scenarios that can lead to unfortunate results.
What if someone is not ready to “settle down” (Sparkly)? Do we, does Hashem, permit us to date (with all the physical transgressions) until we are finally ready?
Some would say that summing up early marriages as problematic would be like telling G-d that His plan doesn’t work. Or maybe one is turning his or her back on the rabbis and tradition. There is a paradox here. Marrying early comes with risks. Marrying later exposes one to more opportunities to transgress. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I thought that kabbalistic texts emphasize the need for the male and female to unite.
What if one’s desire to wait until he or she is ready is a misunderstanding of the way things work? Maybe feeling “not ready” is really an indication that one has a feeling of missing something. That something might be his or her soulmate.
For the record, I brought up the points in my post because I see the merits and depth in taking the plunge by getting married at a younger age. IMO some see getting married at a young age as something to do for Hashem and fulfill one’s purpose in life. I know someone else who is getting married because Hashem commanded it.
Today we live in a world that idealizes individual self-actualization. Being “ready” may be part of one’s quest towards independence. That said, are there not young people who see marriage as a way to break free and take control of one’s life?
There is validity in saying that getting married is no solution to controlling one’s urges or to find a way to become an adult (by cleaving to one’s spouse).
Yet what is the alternative for someone here?
Is it to be celibate? Repress the urges so much that they manifest into some unhealthy habit or distraction?
Date without intention to get married?
Transgress, breaking shomer negiah?
Move out and live with other singles or by oneself, and hold off on getting married until one feels more established (emotionally, financially, etc…)?
Avoiding intimacy until one is married may not be ideal. Someone may spend time feeling ready, only to enter a marriage feeling like he or she doesn’t really need anyone (because he or she has been living on one’s own for long enough). Marriage at least offers one opportunities to enhance intimacy, with mediums and modes of affection. If one keeps TH with peace of mind, then one can reduce the chances of having the guilt-trips that come with pre-marital transgressions.
I don’t know. Everyone is different. Normal is relative.
Thank you