On another thread, I quoted a statement from the Gr”a (in Mishlei) and the Baal Hatanya where they drew a distinction between a ??? and a ????. They each noted that a ??? is someone that is ???? ????. This denotes someone who is similar to others, but is chosen to serve as a leader. This rule is with the full agreement of the subjects. In contrast, a ???? denotes someone who assumes the position of ruler by force or strength. The only mitzvah from the Torah was to choose a ???. All the writings about marriage refer to the regard due the husband as a ???. What is missed by the chauvinistic view is that this ??? is such because the subjects(in this case the wife) choose the ??? voluntarily. The other form of mastery is one forced on the subject, and this is not the expectation of the Torah for marriage.
Most young kallahs begin their marriage according this royal respect to their husbands. Unfortunately, if the husbands have not learned that they need to earn the respect, and they behave in ways that do not earn that respect, it soon fades into negative emotion, and trouble in the marriage. And when respect is not based on deserving behavior, it loses its clout as respect and becomes nothing more than subservience to dominance. That is incompatible with Torah.
Please review the sforim about ???? ???. Nearly without exception, there is a chapter about the obligations of the wife to the husband, as well as one of equal length about the obligations of the husband to the wife. The term “obey” sounds too much like someone expecting a response to orders, as one might hope to have trained a pet. That is NOT marriage, and no one should ever construe it as such.