Wolf – I thought you were describing me but you don’t know me. I can only tell you that when you have those feelings, you are adding a layer to your purpose by staying constant. On those days I struggle hard to daven, I find it challenging to “give” wondering who wants damaged hand-outs.
You may feel that being rote is just a default mode but it isn’t. Not that someone else can convince you of anything that your heart is convincing you isn’t so, but just posting that you want things to be different is that proverbial needle’s eye and you can expect Hashem to help with the next step.
I love the fact that you have your own “people” but know where to turn when you need love and support 😉