WolfishMusings,
There are some days when I am so depressed, I question whether or not there is any good in anything that I do. When I that happens, I tend to think that there is no future s’char for me for the mitzvos (or anything else) that I do.
I get these feelings from time to time as well. I don’t think they are uncommon feelings. Persistent depression, however, should warrant a trip to the doctor. It’s not a sin to get a stomach virus and be unable to lay tefillin, and likewise it’s not a sin to have depression and be unable to experience meaningfulness in what you do. But if the symptoms are persistent, you owe it to yourself and to your family to get a checkup.
These feelings don’t actually stop me from doing the mitzvos
B”H!
I do it because it’s what I do, it’s what I was commanded to do, and that’s it.
And that, at its most basic level, is the point. Knowing that there is a “Commander” who has given you commands. All of us need a lot of building maintenance and repair, but you have a very solid foundation under yours.
Reward? Do I really deserve a reward for going to shul this morning and davening, especially if it’s just part of my normal morning routine?
Does a factory worker still deserve to be paid if he shows up and runs his machines all day because it’s his routine, not because he’s thinking about how he’s going to benefit the company?
Do I really deserve a reward for not eating seafood when the thought of eating crab disgusts me?
Do you avoid products with shellfish additives that wouldn’t be disgusting to you?
Does my not wearing sha’atnez make the world a better place in any conceivable way?
Yes.
I feel like I’m going to be told “so you did this things. Big whoop.
Compared to Hashem, anything any human does, no matter how strong, good, heroic, whatever, is a big whoop. But that’s ok. We are what we are.
Other people did them better than you did and under far more trying circumstances than you.”
I don’t think Hashem will be judging us in comparison to others.
However, when I have these feelings, I’m also reminded that someone who questions the concept of reward and punishment for the mitzvos has no portion in the World to Come. So, when I feel this way, I actually have no future reward waiting for me, because I’ve disqualified myself from it by having these feelings.
You don’t seem to be questioning the concept of reward or punishment, but rather your own personal worthiness. So of all the things to worry about, I don’t think this should be one of them.