Lenny, thanks for the tip about being “dan l’kaf zchus” but I don’t think that it is relevant here for many reasons. I am too tired to go into it at length, but for one thing there are two people here – you and your wife. I have at least as much an obligation to judge her favorably as I do you. Actually, what I did was to withhold judgment and to assume that it could be either way and that I have no way of knowing which it is. I believe that was the appropriate response to the situation.
Perhaps more importantly, my point was to help you. You are turning to us for advice. You stated this example as though it is proof that you are right. I am pointing out to you that it is possible for such a thing to be controlling, so that is not necessarily proof that you are not controlling. Since your wife and Rabbi did consider it to be controlling and apparently did not consider it to be the best “chinuch-move”, my advice to you is that it would be worthwhile for you to consider their point of view. It is important for the husband and wife to be in agreement on chinuch issues even if they do end up getting divorced.
Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that “controlling” and “abuse” are not black-and-white terms. To you, the word “controlling” has extremely negative connotations which you do not want to associate with any of your actions. Without using the word controlling, it is important for you to realize that it is possible for someone to disagree with your chinuch methods. That person may be right or wrong. It is probably not a clear-cut issue. If that person is the mother of your children, it is a good idea to try to figure out why she thinks that way and to have a discussion about it, with the help of a mediator/therapist.