Joseph, when I read your posts, my first thought was to respond that I either don’t agree with Rav Avigdor Miller or that his comments may be taken out of context and might not mean what they sound like. But, I am not even going to take the route, because there is a more important issue here. The main issue is that these comments are simply out of place (and possibly dangerous) in this thread.
I don’t think that too many people have been paying attention to the details of this situation, but pay attention to what is going on here: There is a wife who is really upset with the way her husband has been treating her for the past 20-25 years (probably since they were married). She feels that he is controlling and abusive. From his own words, it is clear that he doesn’t care how she feels, has no interest in listening to her complaints and certainly has no interest in trying to do what he can to make her happier.
He has no interest in trying to make any changes or find out what he can do differently. All he wants to do is to force her to stay married to him even though she is miserable (another proof that he doesn’t care about her feelings). And added to that, he thinks she should be happy because he supports her well. And all this is according to his own words!! We haven’t even heard her version yet!! Imagine what she would probably say if she could!!!
It is possible that he is not interesting in relating to her feelings. It is also possible that he is incapable of doing so. I don’t know which it is. But from his posts, it is clear that it is one or the other. It is clear that he does not want to change. It is possible that a marriage therapist will be able to help him. But it seems to me that even a marriage therapist will not be able to help him until he decides that he is willing to make a change (as Meno basically said). Maybe a marriage therapist will be able to help him do that. Maybe not. And maybe, it is not POSSIBLE for him to do that.
If after going to a marriage therapist and speaking to Rabbanim, the therapist and Rabbanim decide that this marriage can not work and he should give his wife a get, he MUST do so, and it is ridiculous for anyone to encourage him to hold his wife prisoner.
Meanwhile, what he needs to be doing now is realizing that his marriage does not stand a chance until he works on listening to his wife and trying to empathize with her. Telling him that his wife should not want to divorce him is plain WRONG. Telling him that women should just accept their marriages and their husbands is WRONG!!! This is not what he needs to hear and will only exacerbate the situation. It will encourage him to continue telling his wife that he doesn’t need to do anything differently and she should just be happy. If his wife is unhappy, it is his chiyuv to try to make her happy!! This is the basic chiyuv of a husband – to make his wife happy!!!
Forget about divorce and whether or not his wife is right for wanting a divorce. We are talking to Lenny – he needs to be reminded that it is his chiyuv to make his wife happy. If his wife is unhappy, he has no right to tell her that she should be happy. He has to figure out why she is unhappy and how he can help her.