“your seeming implication when responding to others above in this thread that unless I switched my views on this issue to yours, that your opinion of me is dependent on my agreeing I’m wrong. “
Clarification: I did not mean to imply that you have to agree with me, or that my opinion of you is dependent on that, and I’m sorry for making it sound that way. My point was that I thought there is a misunderstanding and that we do agree on the basic issues.
I think that we agree on the following (please correct me if I’m mistaken):
1. Marriage is something very important, and people should not get divorced too easily.
2. When you get married, you should be fully committed to doing your utmost to make the marriage work and you should not be considering getting divorced.
3. If there are problems, the couple should do everything they can to try to work it out, and should not even think about divorce unless and until there really is no other option.
4. If the Rabbanim involved tell the husband that he should give his wife a Get (whether or not he can be forced to do so halachically), it would be a good idea for him to comply.
We disagree on the following:
1. you don’t seem to feel that he is doing something wrong by refusing to give the Get in such a case, and you even seem to feeel that she is doing something wrong by not trying to make the marriage work.
Even here, I don’t think we disagree on the principles involved. I think what we disagree on is what is actually likely to be going on here.
Your assumption seems to be the following: The husband obviously realizes the sanctity of a marriage and the importance of shalom bayis, and that is why he does not want to get divorced. His wife, on the other hand, clearly does not realize how important marriage is and that is why she is not willing to try to work things out. Therefore, he is really in the right for trying to hold on to the marriage and she is clearly in the wrong for wanting to break up the marriage.
I would guess that your assumptions regarding what is going on here are based on the fact that it is inconceivable to you that a husband would be abusive to his wife (and that’s why she wants to get divorced) or that he could possibly be motivated by anything other than a sincere desire to make the marriage work out. Additonally, you probably feel very strongly about shalom bayis and making a marriage work and feel that any relationship could be worked out and there is no reason to even think about divorce except in rare circumstances.
Which is beautiful.
I, on the other hand, had been assuming (rightly or wrongly) that in most (or at least many) such cases, the wife wants to get divorced because there is ABUSE and it has been going on for many years and she tried finding a way to work things out for many years, and they went to therapy and NOTHING has helped and her husband will continue abusing her if she remains married to him, which is the reason the Rabbanim recommended they get divorced. And if he refuses to give a Get even though the Rabbanim advised him to and even though their marriage can’t work out, it is out of spite, stubborness and/or selfishness.
My guess (please correct me if I’m wrong) is that you would also agree that in such a case, he should give her a Get. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t imagine that someone like you would think that it is okay for someone to be abused. It just doesn’t seem your type.
So I think that our only point of disagreement was regarding what is likely to be going on here.
I would appreciate it if you would let me know if you agree with my analysis or not. Thanks!