“JM, Abuse is a subjective term. It is not black and white. What someone might consider abuse can have more to do with his/her perception of the motives behind the actions and how it relates to him/her, than it has to do with the actual classifications of the specific actions.”
I think that was JM’s point. That is exactly why they need a therapist schooled in abuse so that he can figure out whether or not there really is abuse here. It is precisely because it is not black or white that they need someone who can tell them if this is classified as abuse or not.
And no, I am not saying that he is abusive. I am saying that his wife thinks he is, and he thinks he is not. They are going to a therapist to deal with the fact that his wife thinks he is abusive and he thinks that he is not. T/f, they need a therapist who is experienced in this.
In any case, as I have pointed out before, I am not sure that there is a clear-cut definition of abuse. And it also may be self-defeating to get too caught up in the question of what the definition of abuse is and whether or not there is abuse here. The fact is that she FEELS that she is being abused, and if he really wants to stay in this marriage, he has to accept the fact that she feels that way and figure out what he can do differently.
I don’t think the point of going to the therapist is to see who is wrong and who is right and whether or not there really is abuse. The point is to work on the marriage. That means accepting his wife’s feelings (whether or not he agrees) and seeing what he can do differently. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is doing something objectively wrong now; what it means is that if he wants the marriage to work, he needs to be open to seeing things differently and doing something differently. If a relationship is not working out and you want it to work, then you have to do something different, imho.
All this is for the therapist to discuss with him. But he needs a therapist who is experienced in these areas. That was JM’s point, period.
In any case, I trust Rav S.B. Cohen to suggest the right therapist if he feels that therapy is in fact, called for.