“In the meantime, I’m goin to contact some counselors from a frum therapist referral website and see if they have experience working on wives who have “checked out.””
Lenny, can you hear me out for a moment?
You already asked a Rav (the Rav from the beis din) what you should be doing. After speaking to both you and your wife, he told you that you should get divorced. That really makes two Rabbis who told you to get divorced since your Rav had told you to go to the Rav from the Beis Din in the first place.
You told him that you would rather listen to the anonymous posters in the Coffee Room who do not know anything about your situation, and go to a marriage therapist in order to convince your wife that she is wrong for wanting to get divorced.
You then posted in the Coffee Room asking people what would happen to you if you refuse to listen to the Beis Din and give your wife a Get (in a situation in which their hands are tied halachically and they can’t actually FORCE a Get on you – they can only tell you that it is what you are supposed to be doing).
I found these last two facts rather disturbing. First of all, I was disturbed by the fact that you didn’t listen to the Rav from the Beis Din. And yes, even though I have never been in the situation, I do understand that it would have been a very difficult thing to do, and the natural thing to do is to try to rationalize and find a way out of listening. And no, I do not know what I would have done in the same situation, and perhaps, I would have done the same. So, no, I am not judging. It is not my place to judge, and since I am not G-d, it would be impossible for me to do so.
What I can do is look at the facts, and say what you should have done whether or not it is difficult and whether or not most people in this situation would have been able to stand up to such a difficult test and do the right thing.
So without being blinded by emotion, it seems pretty clear to me that if you speak to a Rav (or 2 Rabbanim) and they tell you to do something, you are obligated to listen to them (and to forget about what the anonymous posters in the Coffee Room said) even if they do not have the power to physically force you to do so.
However, I understood that your next step was going to be to go to Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen instead of listening to the Rabbanim with whom you already spoke. Even though, it is probably more appropriate to listen to the Rabbanim with whom you already spoke, I felt that I shouldn’t say anything at that point, since Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen is a very reliable and wise Talmid Chacham, and as long as you were willing to listen to him (the 2nd or 3rd Rav you are going to), and not keep searching until you find a Rav who will say exactly what you want him to say, I feel like it’s not such a problem.
My understanding was that you would listen to whatever he told you, whether it would be to go for marriage therapy or to give your wife a Get. I thought that if he did tell you to go for marriage therapy, you would go to the marriage therapist that He, as a Rav, recommended.
So I understand that you didn’t get through to him yet. These things can take time. First you have to be able to reach him by phone. Then, presumabl, you have to find a time when he can meet by you. He has to speak to both you and your wife. Then he has to make a decision.
Understandably, you are impatient. You want this taken care of already. But, you have to be patient. You can’t just look for a therapist online on your own. We have a Torah, and we have Rabbanim who guide us as to how to listen to the Torah. Not every therapist is someone who would be recommended by our Rabbanim. Not every therapy works according to ideas that fit with Torah, or with common sense for that matter. There are a lot of really bad therapists out there who can make things much, much worse.
I am not against psychology or therapy. I am very in favor of it. In fact, I almost went into the field. But, you can’t just go to any therapist. You need to speak to someone wise who can tell you which, if any, therapist you should be going to. That is why you are going to Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen. So be patient. Wait and see how he tells you to proceed.
And, yes, there are many things that one can get away with in this world. Look at Hitler, yemach shemo, l’havdil. Look at all of the Arab terrorists. But we do not live in this world in order to see what we can get away with .
We live in the world to do the right thing, to do Hashem’s Will. So please, Lenny, for the sake of your portion in the World to Come, which is ready and waiting for you, and for the sake of your wife’s peace and sanity, and for the sake of your children who deserve an example of a father who bends his will to Hashem’s Will, do the right thing. Wait till you have a chance to speak to Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen and he tells you what the right thing to do is, what Hashem wants you to do.
And, no you will not find the answers online. And no, Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen will not be found online. The real Torah Greats, the people whose advice you should be seeking and following will not be found online. (or at least it is extremely unlikely).
I don’t think there is anything more that can be said. I wish you hatzlacha in finding out what Hashem wants you to do and in having the strength to do it. I know it will be very hard, but the harder it is, the more reward you will ultimately receive although it may take a while in coming. But it will be worth it in the end. I wish you the best.