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A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy

International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a

ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General Eric Holder said he

believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not

identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math


‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive

solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of

absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to

themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common

denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to

every triangle’.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had

wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us

more fingers and toes.’

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more

intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the

Nobel Prize for Physics will follow—