I want to try my hand at this too! 😀
*Can you cry under water?*
Theoretically, yes.
*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?*
Hm…. Important enough that people publicly hate them.
*Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?*
Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to say I was a stingy person. Y’know?
*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?*
So you can fit the spice packets in the corners, and it’s easier to pull the slices out.
*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?*
Because on the moon, there is less gravity, so we figured it might be easier to just live on the moon so that schlepping heavy suitcases would be less of a schlep.
*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?*
Because, in two hour increments, babies sleep very well. As we get older, we require constant sleep for eight hours straight, but we can still sleep as comfortably.
*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?*
Because the judge hears everything.
*Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?*
Because movies are bigger on the inside. I dunno!
*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?*
Because they have no appreciation of money. And then when the vertigo sets in, you waste all the money you spent on your lunch.
*Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway.*
Good question.
*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?*
Because there are plenty of indecent humans out there.
*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?*
Humans always see patterns in things that aren’t there.
*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?*
Quite the opposite, actually. Leave it to morons to keep lowering society’s standards of morality!
*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?*
I’m afraid so.
*Why did you just try singing the two songs above?*
I didn’t. I played them in my head.
*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?*
What an irony! I’ve never tried blowing in a dog’s face, but that’s probably because I know someone with a Caucasian Shepherd.
*Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?*
Because we never want to give up hope.
*Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?*
Because they’re money-hungry fools out to make us poor!
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?*
Because they can relate to something so minor and insignificant like wet paint. It isn’t practical to fly out into space and count the stars.
*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?*
Because one wouldn’t want the needle to be accidentally exposed to the antidote for the lethal substance.
*whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?*
Sean Connery, of course. His name is really pronounced “Sawn” but he pronounces it “Shawn” therefore it stuck.
Or so I believe. I could be wrong.
And don’t call me Junior.
*If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?*
Because “Planet of the Humans” would be such a boring movie.
*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?*
Because bathwater is racist.
*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?*
Shavuos. Everyone’s up all night learning Torah.
*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?*
Because it’s fun to let the cool air blow in your face. Well, unless you’re a dog.
*Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?*
Because if you reposition it just right, maybe the vacuum will suck it up.
*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?*
The designers are evil.
*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?*
They fly above the enclosure where there’s a small crack where only something as tiny as a bug could get in. They promptly get zapped and die. Simple.
*When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’*
Because it’s the polite thing to do and I don’t like arguing with strangers. Besides, if you make them angry, they might ram you again!
*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?*
What an excellent opportunity to see both Newton’s laws of motion and Murphy’s law in action at once!
*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?*
Because it’s human nature to never be satisfied with what we’ve got. Straight-haired people always want curly hair and vice-versa.
*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?*
Because fathers-in-law aren’t as temperamental.