Post 2 of 3: Jewish(?) jokes (if they’ve appeared in the thread before… too bad. You probably don’t remember them anyway.)
[Jewishness = about American Jewish Times’ Narishkeit Page level.]
{I’m not bothering to proofread and correct them to perfection.}
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Cohen and Levy are both in the antique business across the street from each other.
Cohen hates Levy – he thinks he’s a gonniff, a liar and an ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen. One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can’t resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
“Cohen”, says the genie, “because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish – anything you want – money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much.”
“You mean,” says Cohen, “if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?”
“That’s right,” says the genie.
“All right, genie,” says Cohen. “I know what I want.”
“What’s that?”
“I wish I were half dead.”
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The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
“When,” scolded Father Kelly playfully, “are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?”
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied “At your wedding reception, Father Kelly.”
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A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, “G-d, what’s a million years to you?”
And G-d said “A minute.”
Then the man asked:
“Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”
and G-d said: “A penny”
Then the man asked:
“G-d…..can I have a penny?”
And G-d said:
“Sure…..In a minute.”
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Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a heartfelt “Oy!”
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!”
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!”
To which the first bubbe replies: “I thought we weren’t going to talk about our children!”
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An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.
“What’s new, Sara?”
“Why, it’s nice to see you again Avi,” the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.
“Oh,” she said. “We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him.”
The husband began to laugh. “You don’t realize how lucky you are. If I hadn’t come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!”
The wife replied without hesitation, “Not really. If I had married him, he’d now be a mayor!”
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little Jewish fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the Jewish fellow.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little Jewish man “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The Jewish fellow replied: “I work for the Jewish National Fund.”
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A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.
A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: “If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we’ll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him.”
To this replied one woman: “If that’s the case, give him to the other woman.”
The rabbi said: “Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!”
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Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying “Please help the war veteran”, and the other holds a sign saying “Please help a poor Jew”.
People pass by and even those who didn’t intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: “Why don’t you change your sign? Don’t you understand that nobody will give you any money?” and walks away.
As he goes, one beggar turns to the other and says: “Haim, he would teach US business?”
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Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.
The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Gabbai (sexton).
They told the Rabbi: “We’re going to kill you first. Any last requests?”
“Only one,” said the Rabbi. “All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It’s really great. Before you kill me, I’d like to give my sermon”.
“No problem” said the chief terrorist. “Give your sermon and then we’ll kill you”.
He turned to the Cantor: “You’ll be second to die. Any last requests?”
“Only one” said the Cantor. “All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once”.
“No problem”, said the terrorist. He then turned to the Gabbai. “You’ll be third. Any last wish?”
“Only one”, said the Gabbai. “Please kill me first.”
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A little Jewish lady from the U.S., touristing in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says, “Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dunt mind?”
The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say “ize-krim”, ve say “glace”.”
“Aw K”, says Mrs. Ginsberg, “I”ll hev a boxl glace. End if you”ll plizz, hendle me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy.”
The clerk replies haughtily, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say “cookiss”, ve say “pastilles”; and ve do not say “kendy”, ve say “bonbons”.”
“Dot”s fine”, replies Mrs. Ginsberg, “put in de peckidge pastilles end also a boxl bunbuns. End if you”ll dunt mind, repp it opp, I”ll take it vit me.”
At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs. Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, “Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!”
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(You’ve probably heard this one before – I know I did.)
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Jewish man says. “What was that for?”
“That was for the Titanic,” the chinese man says.
“But that was an iceberg!”
“Iceberg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”
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Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody . . .
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Q – What do Jewish wives make for supper?
A – Reservations.
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Q – What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A – “Is ANYTHING all right?”
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Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?