Everyone copes differently. It depends on your relationship, how old the person was, what your experiences was with the person. You grieve differently for a friend than for a parent, differently for a sibling than a child, etc.
It is important to understand the grieving process. I believe it is a 5 stages of grieving that goes like this:
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
You should also know that when you lose someone close like a parent, don’t be surprised if you lose your bitachon in Hashem and you get very angry at him. Please do not worry too much and do not be concerned. You will feel very lost when this happens and very alone, but your bitachon will return. It is very normal and it is a process you go through, but I promise and guarantee you it will return to you 100%.
I don’t know if you are male or female. As difficult as it is for men to make minyan and daven for the amud 3 times a day for 11 months when they lose a parent, in a sense it is easier for them because they have something specific they are charged to do. Women get up from shiva and that’s it. Their job is over. There are things they can’t do, but there is nothing they have to do and that is very difficult as well. There is a need to do something. You get up from shiva and you feel “what now? what am i supposed to do now?” especially when you were taking care of a sick parent, or constantly going to the hospital with a sick relative. All of a sudden everything is over, no one is coming, you are left to your own devices and expected to get back to a normal routine. But nothing is normal, you lost a loved one. You feel like how can the world just keep going on like nothing happened? Don’t they know that so and so died? Men are actually showing people and telling people “we lost someone, I am saying Kaddish, I am not shaving, etc.”. But women don’t really do anything outright. Many of us burn a week-long candle all year in our homes. We do our best to keep the same fire going and light one candle from the fire of the candle that is burning out. But that is it.
I had an experience that I was told was also common. it frightened me at first but then it calmed me. The Friday night a week after I got up from shiva, I fell asleep after lecht bentchen, I was holding a photo of my father as I did every night since my father left us. All of a sudden I saw him, he came to me as real as life and told me to that he was ok and that I should take care of my mother. I sat up and reached for him but couldn’t touch him I started to cry and scream and my screaming woke me up. I was shaking and ran out of my room downstairs to my living room. My next door neighbor was sitting on my couch and jumped up to hold me and asked me what happened. I told her and she sat me down and smiled at me. She told me the same thing happened to her after her father died. She said the neshama comes back once to the closest one to let them know they are ok.
I tried for years to bring my father back in my dreams but I never could. It is now 17 years since my father a”h is gone. I can picture him in my mind but he never talks to me.
How to help others also depends on what they need, everyone is different. The best way to help others is to listen to understand and ask them “how can I offer you support through this trying time?”. If you know them well enough then pitch in where they need it the most, help with the kids, with homework, laundry, car-pool, cooking, etc. Ask the husband how the wife is doing, if she is taking calls, if she wants visitors, how she is coping with the housework, the kids, etc. Ask where your assistance would be most appreciated. If it is the husband that has suffered the loss, ask the wife. Maybe he needs an extra man to make the 10th for a minyan during mid-day for mincha? Maybe he needs a ride to the train in the morning or to be picked up from the train so he makes minyan, etc. Maybe he is depressed and can’t drive right now. Maybe he needs extra people to learn mishnayas before the shloshim.
Thank you from bringing this very sensitive subject tot he table.