Wolf – I think my last post was not yet posted when you wrote yours. Please make sure to read it. It is very important. It is going to be very difficult, if not impossible, for anyone here to discuss this with you properly (especially since we don’t know what we’re talking about).
This is something that is clearly bothering you, and you need to discuss it with a live person who can help you to put things in perspective. But choose that person with care. Make sure he is a wise, sensitive, understanding, intuitive person. There are some learned people who are overly cerebral or not good listeners and don’t have the necessary qualities for these types of discussions.