The most important aspect of kiruv for the not-yet-observant is that they feel a part of the Jewish people, and that they feel loved. I don’t remember anyone telling me that they became frum because they heard a certain Torah that resonated in their heart – it was love that the person had in his/her heart when she gave it over that they say made the difference. This does not mean that you had not given over the Torah with love in your heart – she just may not have been able to feel it. Part of the problem is when we try to do kiruv by phone, the other person cannot see the warmth of your smile, the gentleness in your eyes, the visual expressions of love that cannot be heard on the phone. The most successful kiruv happens when a person is exposed to Yiddishkeit without sermons – the simple feeling of family, acceptance, and love in a world of adversity is often enough to bring someone home. The best advice I can give is to invite her to come to you for a Shabbos, and let her just feel the warmth. No sermons, no preaching – she will see a beautifully set table, delicious delicacies, a warm atmosphere, the love in your home – these things may enable her neshama to feel the kedusha of Shabbos and desire more. If she says ‘no’ to your invitation, offer for her to bring a friend. Who knows.. you might be able to provide the environment that would enable them both to make the decision to return home. There is a trap that many of us fall into, so I will state it as simply and as straight forward as possible – there is no success in life without Hashem. If we forget that He runs the world, and that everything is from Hashem, He will let us try to succeed without Him. Since there can be no lasting success without Hashem, we should guard ourselves carefully before doing anything by saying ‘ain od milvado’ with the understanding of what that means, and asking for His help. You are a very special person for seeking the opinions of others for her benefit – May you have the siyatta d’shemaya that you need to serve Hashem with a heart full of joy until 120.
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